Im such a wuss, I shouldnt feel so sick. I should get over it! Its day 4 of my fast, and im feeling horrendous. I must at least wait till tomorrow afternoon to eat. And im absolutely terrified of eating. It scares me so much! Im 2 weeks ahead of schedule on my weight loss plan. I guess that means i lost 3 kg in a week, but it feels longer than that. Its probably just water weight anyway. Doesnt count. Must lose another 5 kg, and fast. MUST. Im so incredibly fat, its disgusting.
Today I can hardly move, had to lye down in the shower because i had no energy. Last night i had to have a snooze in the changing rooms of the pool because i was exhausted. My body is struggling to keep me warm, im freezing, and i am severely nauseas, nearly vomiting all of the time. I am also nearly fainting everytime i stand up.
Thanks Janna, I know you have my best interests at heart!
Oh and I got my blood test results back, and i have wayyyy too many muscle enzymes, not enough B12 by far, and something wrong with liver function, but i cant remember what.
Got band practice tonight – thinking about asking them to scratch my solos for the concert so i can continue my fast. I dont want to embarrass myself.
Chao for now
Ive decided I really need to learn how to count calories. Sure Its easy enough to read the back of a packet, but I have no clue when it comes to natural food (which is what i eat more of). So if anyone would like to teach me, any help would be gratefully accepted :-)!!
Today is day 3 of my complete fast. Already, ive woken up with the shakes. Its quite difficult to type on my phone, as my fingers have a mind of their own – going spastic all over the place lol. I will continue on with this fast though, until saturday. I would love to go longer, but I have a concert on saturday night which i must be on top form for! I have a solo/duet piece with a famous singer, and lots of solos within the other pieces. Joy of joys. If only iwas a humble backrow player… i could have continued my fast. Oh shoot! I also have my music lesson saturday morning, which means i will have to eat even earlier than planned!! Botheration.
I hope i can keep up all my exercise, which is, about 3 hours a day if not more. Its going to be one of those tough days, as my body is not so happy, is running low on energy. Must keep pretending to be exquisitely energetic! MUST!
I had my day all sussed. Infact, I had the entire week sorted foodwise. Every night of the week i had a plan for escaping dinner, except tonight, tuesday. So i txted a friend who is sick and asked if i could visit her this evening. She said yes 🙂 So what ive told mum is that im visiting kelly, making tea for her and having it with her because she is sick. Hehe clever thinking I thought!
Then, to my surprise, she tells me that lunch is on the table and we are eating as a family! I was really angry that my fast could be broken so soon! So I went, and put salad on my plate. I managed to muck about in the kitchen enough between bites and spat EVERYTHING out undetected! I was so proud of myself.
Now i just have to hope that all of my other excuses pan out as hoped for. Im at the pool now, about to swim. Have already exercised for about an hour and a half today 🙂
Im so happy!!
So today, I saw the psychiatrist, and im being moved up to 25 mg of sertraline (the normal starting dose). So now im on the look out for side effects again. Especially those that make me agitated or suicidal! I managed to make R grumpy today, because I challenged the fact that shes still only giving me weekly scripts of my meds so i cant OD with “you dont trust me“. She became SO defensive, and started spouting off all of these legal requirements, and the fact that she could lose her licence blah blah blah. It really was quite amusing to watch!
Today, Ive resolved myself to try the best I can to get away with a complete fast until saturday. Mum often controls my food, so if im forced into eating, I must purge. The biggest challenge will be getting out of dinner – as we eat as a family, at the table. I have succeeded today, as I made myself food and took it with me to band practice to ‘eat on the way‘ – which of course is still in my bag. I feel a bit bad wasting food like that, with dying children in africa and whatnot, but hey, its better than eating it myself. Tomorrow will be really really hard to get out of dinner, as we have family worship evening after dinner. Ideas people? Wednesday night we have ‘church‘ so i could go to the pool before that and go straight there, missing dinner. Thurday I have band again. Should be alright if mum doesnt come with me, and friday i also have band, as we have an extra rehearsal for our concert on saturday. The trickiest thing will be tomorrow night. I dont know how to get out of it! And then mum sometimes makes me eat breakfast or whatever. Especially when she thinks im on a not eating spree ( which she has kind of cottoned on to)… So my whole plan might be a failure, but hey, ill try. I must also exercise. Today I walked for 3 hours, and then went for a quick run. I am so incredibly unfit!!! In summer, I was fit, AND 14 Kgs lighter. Its not fair, why cant i do that again? I remember I was eating only raw food, and daily, I would eat an orange, and a small salad with no wholesome substance. I would swim twice or three times a day, run twice a day, and go for at least one long walk. We were camping 🙂
Anyway, i must get back to that state, but i will be free in a couple of weeks, and wont have to worry about my mum, so its better to not get her worried now.
I pigged out. This luch time i had two iced buns and a salad sandwich! How bad is that!!!? I felt like i couldnt control myself, I wasnt even that hungry. I had to purge. I couldnt cope with Janna squishing my mind into depression over it, so i had to fix it. I suck at being sick though – and a lot of it is still inside me D : So i will take a whole lot of laxatives when mums out of the way and hope for the best. This is not acceptable though, I must not over eat, I must control myself! Hunger is not the end of the world, so get over it!
Must run later, run and run and run. I deserve pain, I deserve punishment. The urge to cut is tremendous, but i will run instead.
So exhausted. My body doesnt like this at all. Its funny, because I feel like im eating a lot, yet my body is crashing out on me. I quite like all of the dizzyness and pins and needles etc, It makes me feel like im accomplishing something. Proof. What I dont enjoy is the food cravings, and nonstop thinking about food. It makes me feel like im weak, like im going to give in any second. What would be nice though is some decent sleep. Since starting back on starvation, I have not been able to sleep – despite quetiapine. And when I finally do nod off, the sleep that i do get is very interupted.
I am MUCH happier now though. Thats a fact. Im in control, and getting my life back, day by day. My only hope is that I can sustain it, reach my goal. Im a long way off a bmi of 16. Thats my ultimate goal, but for now, 55 Kgs by the time i move, then 50, then 48, 45, 42, 39. I dont know what it is about these numbers, they just seem so important. Especially 45. If i just get to 45 even, i will be happy.
I am so hungry. I am on the verge of eating. And im freezing.
Today, i was getting pins and needles everywhere, even on my face. Especially when i had a fairly major ptsd trigger. It kind of freaked me out, my entire face felt like it was vibrating. Is it to do with not eating + anxiety? I had an awesome day, with my best friend. All i have eaten so far is a little nibble of tomato sandwich, a glass of juice and LOTS of water. But I am so hungry now, I feel like eating everything there is in the house! I cant, because Janna wil kill me, and i still have to have dinner later on at a friends place eek!
Here is the total sum of food in the last 3 days:
3 pieces of pasta
Two heads of broccoli
Small salad with some tofu
A bite of tomato sandwich
Janna is getting her way. I have eaten today, but not much. I want to make this maintainable, long term. I havent exercised though, I wanted to go swimming but mum wouldnt let me. I will go for a run later this afternoon, but i am SO sore! I have torn a muscle in my leg, and i cant lift my leg from the hip at all. I will drug myself up on painkillers though and run anyway. All of my other muscles are aching too, but thats just because ive been a lazy bum and havent exercised in ages!
I cant stop thinking about my little lamb that i found yesterday. I hope its alright.
Saw M today, she was absolutely blown away that i was feeling “fantastic“. I could see the excitement in her eyes, along with shock and confusion… until i told her it was because i wasnt eating and was overexercising. We had a lovely catch up though. On my last appointment before my move we are going to go get coffee instead 😀 should be fun! A little bit awkward… but ill get over it. Im going to miss M, you cant get much more awesome than her.
Today i had a neurologist appt, a doctors appt, AND my therapy session. Busy busy busy. Discovered that i have really low blood pressure which drops when i stand up… (this is the neuro appt) which is “a good thing, but you will have to be careful to drink and eat enough“ Ha. Eat enough. Lovely. Explains the blackouts and fainting though. I heard that exercising raises blood pressure, so ill just exercise a lot to stop myself fainting! Perfect solution.
Had a set of blood tests taken at the doctor, due to the fact that i get random shooting pain all over my body. Im curious to know what my iron levels are like, considering i pretty much always forget to take my iron tablets. I had a peek at her computer, and saw that “vegan diet“ was on my list of problems. That made me crack up, its not an ailment!! Doctors are so typical.
Im interested to know – anyone else out there have a problem with fainting? Or low iron? Or vegan???!! haha
I finally have some motivation for life! Im feeling fantastic 😀 It was another gloriously sunny day, and i spotted the first lambs and daffidols ive seen this year today. Must be spring right?! Perhaps I have that seasonal depression thing? Im always much happier when its sunny.
I know where my motivation and happiness springs from though. Janna. She had me get dressed and go for a run. I had no idea how long this run was supposed to be, but it ended up a 2 1/2 hour run/ walk through farmland, bush and by a lagoon. It must have been about 15 k? It was wonderful, I loved every minute of it, and Janna kept me company, encouraging me to keep going, or to go faster. She was nice to me.
On my journeys I came across the cutest little lambs, but there was one that had been abandoned by its mother, and was dying of starvation. I felt sooo sorry for it! It was so weak that it let me pat it. All of me just wanted to pick it up and take it home and feed it. But you cant really do that. I sincerely hope the farmer finds it and rescues it. I then got electrocuted. I screamed. It was very scary! All of the sheep then stared at me – it was so embarrassing. Even though it was just sheep lol. Im so silly. Its rather funny now.
I know this is only Jannas excitement spuring me on, not a real shift in mood, but im going to go with it. Im sick of feeling so low, miserable and fat. This energy will help me with everything else in my life right now. I need it, to help me practice my instrument, to make me confident about leaving home, and to make me useful once again. If i do as Janna tells me, she will be my best friend and will be nice to me, and i perhaps wont want to self harm. If im lonely when i move, she will be there, by my side.
I know this is going to make me sick, but it beats being depressed. I need this right now. NEED.
It will also convince mum that i am well and happy before my move, which is good. After that, there will be noone to supervise my eating, and i will be free to reach my goals.
My goal short term is an easy one, because i dont want to fail. I can always overachieve it if i want. 3 Kgs by the time i move. Thats one per week. Easy.
Hope you are all well my lovelies 🙂