Today I got a call from the swimschool telling me that they would like to have me on board. I am so excited. Teaching kids swimming will be the perfect job for me in many ways! God really has been looking after me 🙂
I went out to town with some friends and their friends tonight. It was good to get to know them, and we had a lot of fun and laughs. The best thing was, i felt included and wanted. Ive not often felt like that in life. I think its just this bunch of people are amazingly lovely and fun 🙂 It was a bit awkward at dinner when i was trying to speak to the thai lady about what food i could have. No meat no eggs no dairy no coconut… it was a bit embarrassing but meh, survived. And the food was really yum and i nearly ate it all!!
Off to sleep now.. so tired. Night night everyone!Hope u had a good friday night 🙂
So heres my positive post for the day. Mum and H went home today. I forgot to check their bookings, and assumed they were on the same flight. WRONG! So my little bro missed his flight, and luckily managed to grab one later on in the day. To be honest, im glad they are gone. I was at the end of my tether with mum. I can only put up with her for so long and remain nice and peaceable – like the good daughter she expects me to be.. perfect. But having said that, she has been very kind and helpful in helping me move into my flat, buying me a whole lot of food etc 🙂
So my room is all set up now, and im happy. My flatmates are lovely, but not in your face. Im enjoying my freedom.
Oh and i sliced a decent portion of the end of my finger off while cooking dinner 😦 Its stinging. I shall not be lazy next time 😛
Sooooo… just got kicked out of the mental health services in my new city, before i even started. Aparently someone with complex ptsd depression and an eating disorder doesnt need help. just get on with my life they tell me, get over it. I was in tears. Dont they realise i was nearly hospitalised just 3 weeks ago??!!? I feel entitled to say WTF! My old team will be freaking out about this decision. Not to mention im going flatting for the first time, and no food supervision at all. I am higvly likely to get very very sick shorly, but they just dont give a ****
Infact, i almost want to go the extra mile and PROVE how sick i can get!
SSOOOOOO tired!! So i really must sleep. Just wanted to say a quick hi to y‘all, and tell you that my day has been largely unsucessful.. managed to lose my bed, ended up driving out to my grandparents in laws to find it, yetwasnt there, thought it might b in my auntie and uncles barn, so drove back home, but it wasnt there either. So its completely lost. Managed to find someone else who has a spare bed though yay! So we will do all of that moving tomorrow instead of today. I did get me medical certificate fiasco sorted though -whew- i wouldnt have been able to get paid otherwise, and then in turn wouldnt have been
able to pay my rent.. I just hope it arrives in the mail on time!
Oooh got a really really cool dinner set, will upload pics when i have shifted. Its not just dinner, but plates, bowls, little plates, dessert bowls, mugs, tea cups and saucers, and a salad bowl. So excited, i love it!
Anyhow, better sleep now. Night all!
Sorry for the lack of posts of late – I have been so so so busy!
I have found myself a flat in the city ( instead of an hours drive out) – major YAY. I love this place, butits inconvenient. It will be the first time iv properly left home and gone flatting. I am going to be as poor as a church mice though… actually, I already am. Ive figured out that im just not going to eat, and that will save me a considerable amount of money. I pretty much have a job, but it still needs to be finalised, and then start, and in the end get paid. Kinda worried how im going to live until then, pay the rent etc. Cant afford food , so on a forced fast. Cant afford petrol, so i will have to walk everywhere. This isnt going to be so good for the ol eating disorder. Jenna will have a ball!
Despite being poor for a few weeks, im vonna LOVE IT! Its the perfect location, right in town, theres a farmers market for fresh vege and fruit every saturday just down the road ( like 5 houses) and a selection of indian food places and supermarket, cafes and whatnot at the end of my street. The main hospital is on the other side of the road… handy if i come to some grief! No need for an ambulance hehe. Hope not though!
My flatmates are all lovely, and they also happen to be all vegetarian! Added bonus! My room is nice and big too. I still need to get some furniture though. When I have money…
I had this music festival on tge weekend – and was lucky enough to play in a masterclass taken by one of the best trumpet players in the world, from America. Hes so amazing.. All things in the festival were brilliant! I dont want to say many more details about it, to keep my blog anonymous. Its a small world.
Ive been making some cakes and whatnot ‘professionally‘ … ie getting paid to do so. I totally need to charge more. Maybe if i start doing it more often I will get more confident with my prices. Anyhow, its good practice, so even ic it just covers the price of ingrediants, i benefit in some way. Here are some pictures. The cupcake photos didnt quite come out right – because it was midnight when I took them and the light was shocking! They look better in real life. They are for two seperate occasions, but both for 10 yr old girls parties.
The flowers are edible and homemade 🙂
I am… completely and utterly exhausted! I have been sooo busy (hence the lack of posts – sorry guys!!) with sorting my life out, after my move from a small city to a large one. Plus i have been so involved with my families life, feeding lambs, recapturing naughty chickens and chasing sheep out of the vege patch! Not to mention babysitting my preschooler cousin, doing housework, cooking, baking and cleaning up after this whirlwind of a kid. Then there is practicing my instrument for this rapidly approaching festival (aaaaaaargh), running for an hour, Swimming a kilometre, catching trains, going to job interviews, registering at the doctor, flat hunting for a place closer to town, getting to know the congregation and eating 3 meals a freaking day!! Its a mission!
Ive been loving it all, and im so happy. Well, I have been. Right now, im feeling sad exhausted and useless… fat ugly unworthy disgusting… do i need to go on? I read something triggering about ED‘S and im just feeling too fat. I dont count, because im just far too fat. Everyone hates me because im just far too fat. My life is going to fail because im just far too fat. And the list goes on.
Maybe ill give in… its easier.
These sheep LOVE me! They all come running when they see me 🙂 Cute ae
What a day! Most of which was taken up with preparations for the preschool disco, the disco itself, and the big clean up afterwards. I am thoroughly exhausted and I didnt even run around screaming like all of the kids! I am in awe of the amount of energy they have, its unlimited!
My auntie has been introducing me to all the mums as a prospective awesome babysitter, which is kind. Any work/ income would be much appreciated at this stage. Although, having said that, i do have trials for a swim instructor job, and a pizza delivery job. As soon as i have 25 hours work, I will be able to afford to live properly, and will probably find my own place.
Tomorrow I need to practice my instrument, job hunt, and get any other odd jobs done. Its a pain that its saturday, because I really need to go into the city, get myslf a doctor, and get my B12 injection! I was supposed to have it this week… whoops. Its a pain having once weekly injections. I will be in town on sunday for the meeting at the kingdom hall (church), but the doctors are not going to be open then are they. So I will have to go in again on monday. Maybe I can sort it so that my job interviews/trials be on the same day. That would be nice.
Im actually dreading my psych appointment in two weeks. I feel like i ought to be more sick than i actually am, i should be full on starving and losing weight, cutting, suicidal, frequent panic attacks from ptsd, suicidal to even be worthy of attention. I know it doesnt work like that, and its no fun to be in that state anyway. But i cant help feeling like a fraud. Especially with the eating disorder. Im so fat! I guess im scared they will think im just a useless moron who is attention seeking, and then dismiss me as not needing help. I know thats silly irrational reasoning… but it keeps nagging at my mind.
More photos of my new place – this time the views from my bedroom… etc
I am back to eating more.. and more. I was ok with that most of the day. Until now, when I feel very guilty indeed. SIGH. Ill get there… eventually.
I got a call from the mental health service today, and I now have an appointment with someone on the 26th. That was their first available appointment time… so yeah, I dont have much hope for the help i need. Back home they had me in twice a week because i was that bad. And now im in a place where they cant see me for a few weeks. Fantastic. What if i need more meds by then? Im only on a fortnighly dose i think. Im not organised enough. I also need to go and register myself with the doctors.
Im feeling kinda stressed out about this music festival. Plain and simple -i havent put the work in, im not good enough, not up to scratch at the moment. I cant wait till its all over!
Then i need to find myself a job, and a house (permanant) and i will be sussed! I wish i could skip these few weeks and not have to stress! But I guess im old enough and ugly enough to deal with it. I might end up going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms though.
Made 100 cupcakes today, for my cousins preschool disco tomorrow night! Was such a marathon, i am utterly knackered now.
Woke at 5.30 this morning, all ready for my flight. So im all unpacked, in my bedroom, in my new home. We have cute as pet lambs!! I will take pictures for you all tomorrow. Im not sure how long I will be living here, before i get my own place.. but im really happy here for now.
I ate over 1000 cal today, and i feel reasonably comfortable with that, which is a nice change. A lot of it was vegan chocolate hehe. I made an amazing curry tonight for dinner – and i was really proud of it to be honest. It tasted like something from an actual restaurant! And everyone loved it 🙂
Tomorrow i have been commisioned to bake 40 cupcakes for my cousins preschool disco (CUTE)!! So im excited by that prospect. I also got a call from a potential employer. Woot!
All in all – im happy. Miracle?
Ok so that was yesterdays post… which i didnt realise wasnt uploaded! So sorry guys! I can add photos now though yay!
Im sick of it. I truly am, yet i feel still stuck and guilty to eat food. I have eaten way too much today, already, and i feel like im losing control. I dont like losing control. I wouldnt say I have been bingeing… because it hasnt been that amount of food, but im getting the same feelings. Mum took me out for breakfast today, and we went half and half on a tofu vegetable fry up thing, and pancakes. We also had 1/2 a chocloate cinnamon and pear scone, and coffee each. I ate and ate and ate. The total being like 500 calories… which is my daily limit. I was so full, yet, came home and had a slice of ciabatta and hummus!! Pig!
So im feeling terrible, the worst thing being the feeling that i dont have control. Then second being a full stomach and yet still craving food.
I am also sick, I have a chest infection/ flu or whatever. Its very annoying. I ended up falling asleep this afternoon after all of my hospital dramas this morning. I hate hospitals, hate doctors. They are all useless poopy heads.
I leave tomorrow morning, and there is so much stuff to sort – like tidying my bedroom, packing boxes to be sent up later, picking up my medication, dropping off a library book.. etc etc. And on top of that, all of my friends are trying to visit me. And what am i busy doing instead? Sleeping! Useless worthless piece of rubbish, thats what i am!
The weather is insane today, so i cant even get any exercise in, or walk to complete some of my tasks. Its supposed to be spring now, but its been hardcore snowing, hailing, raining, galeforce winds! Its crazy!