I cant decide what im feeling!

Im Happy, Sad, angry, deserted, confused, excited, fat, proud, independant, sick, in pain, poor…
I really cant decide what im feeling. I know i feel all of thesethings at times. And more often than not at the moment i am happy and exhausted. Those are good – but then im feeling very unsupported,or deserted in terms of mental health help. Nobody wants to help me. So do i not deserve help? Am i that horribe? At what point in a downhill spiral can i ask for help? Does it have to be at the bottom? So many questions, so few answers.
I have started my new job as a swimming instructor which i absolutely LOVE! Although its a little triggering seeing scrawny kids that are all bones, and it is very exhausting being in the pool all the time. But i love it.
I love my flat, my area (i am sooo close to everything!!), my flatmates, my new friends, the congregation, and even some of my workmates (all except one really annoying one who thinks she knows everything!)
Ooh and i get all of my extra stuff arriving tomorrow!Yay! I can finally bake! Woot

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