Wheres Wally?

wally

Ever tried that childrens puzzle, wheres wally? Yes, I know, Everyone has. So Im playing wheres wally with my emotions at the moment! Maybe its more of an – lets-see-if-we-can-even-decipher-which-emotion-it-is game? Anyhow, this week has been… (fill in appropriate adjective and you win the game, i certainly lose). Hectic. Hectic is a good word, it can sum up pretty much anything except perhaps a cruisy day chillin on the beach with a pina-colada in hand, getting that nice tan we all dream of (not happening anytime soon,.. dont get prematurely jealous now people).

This week i have had moments of extreme anger, frustration, and sadness, But then ive had moments where ive been happy too. So i am officially discombobulated (cool word, no?) as the bad moments have been so severe that I have been using terrible coping skills, and contemplating silly things. So how does one have happy momets in amongst that?

I had another whole section to this post that i had saved. But the site is being screwy! So Im too tired to remember and rehash all my witty comments about being tired and such. Been up for faaaaaar too long today! So heres all the pictures i was going to add in. Hey, a picture says a thousand words right?

sick sik tired mood little-baby-sleeping-on-the-floor imfine

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Not Fasting

So all my hype of fasting for 40 days… yeah…. i came to my senses. I didnt eat for two days and realised how i was inevitably going to end up in hospital whether i liked it or not. But more what prevented me was that i KNEW that i would actually only be making myself fatter by doing that.

So im eating. i am only eating at night time though, one meal a day, and i will have whatever i feel like. I have been really stingy on money lately, so im just managing to create things out of my pantry. I havent bought food in weeks!! I will have to soon though.

Emotionally im a mess. Theres just too much going on. My evil flatmate came back from her holiday the other night and said to me she thinks i should still be living at home with my parents. She thinks i cant cope with life, and im too immature. She even txted my mum saying that she doesnt think i can hold down a job and should go home. Then she sent me this bitchy txt moaning about me not putting dishes away or putting the rubbish out type thing. (really im not that bad… but im not a mid 30s perfect housekeeper) then she made “rules” that i have to do all the dishes and clean the kitchen including wiping the table down, and underneath it before i go to bed everynight. Aka perfection. I barely have enough energy in the evenings to even make dinner, let alone clean the kitchen! So its almost easier to just not eat! I have been really upset over how she views me. She basically thinks im useless, selfish, lazy, immature… the list could go on! I HATE living with her, but i cant leave. I am stuck in a lease for a year. And i WISH we could have a third flatmate so i could afford life better. But oh no! She needs the third bedroom for an office! Which she only pays 60 dollars per week for. NZD. And she has the biggest bedroom as well. And she makes all these rules that i have to abide by. Im not even allowed my friends in the house, yet shes allowed whoever and however many she likes. Its so unfair. Im so anxious living in this house, Everytime i hear footsteps or a door open or shut etc – basically ANY noise, i start freaking out – hyperventilating, unable to move, or unable to breathe, tight chest … close on a panic attack.. not quite, but near. Thats no fun all of the time! She also judges all the food i eat, giving me condescending looks if i dare eat something like white bread or white rice, or any budget brand or NORMAL food, while she snootily eats her organic wholemeal type grossness! 
On top of that stress, I then have all this business with my old sexual abuse coming up from the authorities that want me to be reassesed, so im having to read old reports and accounts of what happened, and my counselling reports from when i was a kid. So thats rehashing up some dreadful stuff, which is hard to cope with. And it makes me realise how much i cant remember. I have actually lost a large proportion of my childhood memories. And also the counsellors report was a load off bull**** But i cant talk to anyone about any of this stuff because its awkward. well i can talk to my neighbour/bestie … but i havent seen her in ages, shes been busy and i dont want to disturb her with moaning and needing help all the time. And my therapist i cant talk with properly, because she always cuts the sessions short, and mostly asks me how the weeks been at the start – i always say “ok” and then some minor insignificant things that have been happening, we talk about it for a few mins, then she goes on to teach me some mindfulness exercise or something. which is useful, i agree, she knows what shes doing. im just not getting that release from things that are majorly stressing me. maybe because theres too many things i need to talk about at the moment, she would have to listen to me all day! And my case managers good about letting me rant about stuff, and tbh i feel more comfortable talking with her.. but i havent seen her in ages, because i had to cancel an appt because i had concussion and needed to go to the doctor. so its been maybe 5 weeks since i have seen her. 
And continuing my rant – because i need to get it all out- Im feeling sick all the time, feeling really fat and not able to lose weight like i used to which is really frustrating! So the eating disorder continual stuff is rearing up, im wanting to self harm but trying to avoid it. Some PTSD flash backs, and randomly feeling sad for no particular reason, just overwhelmed with everything. and holding back tears most of the time, whilst pretending to the world that im fine and couldnt be happier! Because, you know, cant have them think im not coping because that makes me weak and incapable of living away from my parents.  

Im also feeling bad for not being able to do as much bible work as i used to, and feel like everyone is judging me because of it. aka im not good enough. 

Works another bitchfest but hey, i think ive already moaned about that.

Alrighty, im gonna sign off now.

 

Ta ta!Image

Day one

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So today is day one of my fasting. Ive not at all been hungry, and mostly feeling really good apart from headache and nausea from my concussion. I  woke up at about 8 and forced myself to go back to sleep till 10 – got up and scootered down the hill to catch the bus to get to therapy. So another 45 mins later the bus arrives, and I get to the waiting room, to find that the receptionist is on the phone… and she remains so for 15 mins… so my therapist doesnt know im waiting, and probably thinks im a slacker and am late! 
In therapy we practiced mindfulness – but this time instead of focusing on the breath, we were focusing on an object. I was super good at it, and didn’t get distracted at all. 😀 Yay for small wins! But before we did that, she opened my sensitive claim from when i was a kid, and i also got sent one to my house – it talks about all the abuse and counselling i had when i was a kid. It really upset me. Ive been at home in tears for the last hour over it. 
Im going to use it as motivation to not eat though. No way hosea am i going to eat. I just watched super skinny me on youtube, and now i feel the need to go out and exercise for 2 hours, and i feel bad for being in bed! I did scooter for about 45 mins today though so theres some solace. The problem is, i really want to exercise, i have the energy to for once, BUT im not allowed to! 😦 How important is it with a concussion not to exercise anyway?? I think i will just get back into it anyway. i cant handle not exercising. Plus, my metabolism is going to slow down majorly if i dont. so i have to right?? 
Another question – how important is it to take anti inflammatory pain killers or paracetamol with food? Because my headache is killing me, but im not going to eat. can i still take my meds?

Day 1 is so boring, i wish it was day 14 right now, because then i will feel a sense of achievement and awesomeness. Day 40 will be even better, but i bet i will be feeling so sick. I dont even care if my heart fails along the way. as long as i get skinny. Besides, so many people have managed 40 day fasts without ending up in hospital, so i am determined to not be pathetic, and just get over myself. I do not want another ED trip where a doctor says there is nothing wrong with me go away (how embarrassing!) – that was from pots though, not eating stuff, and the doctor did not know anything about it.

Right, im seriously rambling now. So i had better stop.

Luv ya all xx

Eating up all the food!

Im trying to eat up all the fresh food that i have in my house so that i can go on my fast. I feel so full! But i really want to start tomorrow… Which is prob not gonna happen as i have sooo much food left arrrgh! (hey at least im saving money no? :P)
Today i have eaten 1 ginger kiss, about half a loaf of olive and herb specialty bread, 3 kiwi fruit, 1 banana and 2 oranges – well not quite, but im getting there! Oh i forgot. also this morning i had a small apple pie from maccas, and ive had 2 hot chocolates with soy milk. Heaps of food ae!! Sigh.
My only dilema with this fasting business is my mum – she threatened to come up as soon as i did it again. Last time she wouldnt leave for 2 MONTHS!!!! It was a nightmare! So i need to be subtle about it so my flatmate doesnt let her know. or my other friends that have her number now -_- Oh and that not eating makes POTS and dysautonomia  MUCH worse by about 1000X… but oh well. at least im used to it.

Bring on the:

Shakes, palpitations, extraordinary tachycardia, dehydration, inability to even lift arms or fingers (about 2 weeks in), numbness and tingling in arms legs and face, extreme fatigue, blood sugar levels through the floor, blood pressure also through the floor, weakness, extra dizzyness and blackouts, nausea, headaches, awkward tummy grumbling (the type that sounds like its from a giant) stomach pain, loss of hunger(no complaints here), but instead extreme cravings for random stuff that i usually hate – like peanut butter (no im not pregnant??!)

Then theres the mental things:

Thinking about food all the time, hiding away from any social event or your friends so as to avoid food, or awkward questions suspicions or lectures, being so sick that work is nearly impossible and you are like a zombie! (i take solace in the fact that i was still able to work 6 days somehow magically right up until i was hospitalised at the end of the 2nd week. I freaked out at my symptoms and called the doctor when my heart rate was going over 200 bpm in the shower. Now i know that that in itself isnt too bad, and ive done a weeks fast since then. That first one i was still over exercising for at least the first week – aka 3 hour runs no stopping in the evenings after 4 hours of swimming, and 4 hours of walking. So i will try to be less active this time. work i have to stand up all day, and i usually go to the gym everyday for a couple of hours, but because of my concussion i am not allowed to exercise, and i want to make 40 days this time, so i will take it easy. not too easy, but easier.

Im guessing my start date will be thursday, if i can get all this food eaten tomorrow 😛

Oh the other stink thing will be work – its hard enough already without all the extra symptoms. but at least doing this will take my mind off all the nasty people at work, and i wont care too much or even notice if they speak to me in a mean way. What WILL be awkward is them noticing. Because they already ask me EVERYDAY if i have eaten breakfast. If i say no, they almost try to force me into it, or question me about what im having for lunch. Hmmm. I cant directly lie… but i need some subtle discretion here! Thoughts anyone?

Thats all for now!

 

Love you all! Hope everyone is being a much better person than i am 😛

I give up!

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Im such a failure at life. I want to give up! Because of stupid Dysautonomia/Pots I am too ill to do anything properly, i cant do the things that i enjoy, everything is being one by one taken away from me. Im not a fighter, im a failure! And to top it off, im the fattest ive ever been in my entire life for no particularly good reason! I hate it all and im sick of it! I GIVE UP

I am not talking suicide. Im not that angry. I am going to stop eating entirely. not today and not tomorrow. When I have finished all my fresh food in the house (i hate wastage i feel too bad for children in africa) which shouldnt take toooo long, maybe a week or less, then i will start. No food, no calories whatsoever. just water. I will refuse to go to hospital at any point. I want to do 40 days fasting then a few days off, then repeat the pattern. I dont care if i die. Because what kind of life am i living anyway??

embarrassing day!

Ugh! People can be so frustrating at times! Today started off promising, was feeling less sick – maybe dare i even say good – as in comparison to the previous couple of days! So I was enthusiastic for the day. Work started OK, nothing good, but more importantly, nothing bad! Still feeling not too bad. But later on, i feel yuk of course which just deteriorated on the course of the day. 

But the embarrassing part you say? Well, as you know, i do have an eating disorder, but NOONE knows about that at work, and im sure i have been eating just fine lately. But despite that, I get asked EVERYDAY by at least 3 people if i have eaten breakfast – and get a thousand hounding questions if i havent. The only person who i would say is my actual friend at work was asking me what i had for food that day (fruit for breakfast and lunch) and she was absolutely shocked and said that i have a problem, and need to eat more, and kept repeating that throughout the day – then said she was going to bring me some “real food” next time she saw me and make me eat it! Im hoping she was joking.
Its just sooo bizzaire that they are assuming i have eating issues! I mean, SERIOUSLY! I have told you i have POTS and that is 100% why i am fainting! My eating is fine atm anyway. Stupid ED, Stupid Dysautonomia!!
Hope everyones day was fab Xxx

Katie

Im back!

I dont know how long this blogging will last for, but hopefully i will keep it up!! 
So I have managed to keep out of hospital for the last couple of months (woohoo!) but I know im probably due a visit.. shouldnt say that should i? Anyhow. Since last time, i have managed to get myself diagnosed with POTS – and for those of you who are like WHAA? Its short for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. Tongue twister no? Sorry to dissapoint but NO im not hooked on pot 😛 soooo that explains a lot! But unfortunately its a chronic illness that is debilitating. Im trying to push on and go to work.. but yeah, i keep hitting the deck so to speak. 
The last couple of days i have been laying in bed, because of a concussion i sustained from fainting at work. Still debating whether or not to go tomorrow.. Im thinking i will, otherwise i will not be able to pay the rent :/ Oh life does totally suck sometimes.

On a brighter note… actually, not so sure i have a brighter note. Uhm, well lets just pretend there is one huh? Im feeling positive for a change 😛 Yay! Hold on, heres the positive! One more day of work then i have my “weekend” 3 days off 😀 
Hope you all have a great week 😀Image