Seriously Snapchat!?

OK. What the heck Snapchat?? 

I go to send my friend a snapchat of me being an absolute idiot (like usual), and discover that it has deleted all of my contacts! When I tried to re add them from searching my address book, it said no contacts could be found??! 

So angry right now. Angry and sleep deprived is not a fabulous mix. I’ve already made some fairly huge errors today.

Lets hope I don’t make any more!

Advertisements

Night one… Kill me already!

Night one with no sleepy meds for me. It’s gonna be hell!

I am just not tired. Well that’s not 100% true – I’m tired as heck, but not at all sleepy. 

I have a feeling I’m going to suffer a few sleepless nights. Seeing as I have quite a few important morning things scheduled this week, it looks like I will have to start my sleep cycle program next week. Which means, for now, I still need some sleep at night.

Please?

Resisting the urge

This last half hour has been a form of mental torture. I’ve been trying to focus, but I can’t. There’s a time limit on the distraction that movies can provide.

I keep side glancing into the mirror beside me at my reflection, catching a glimpse at my ugly miserable face. Then the repetitive negative thoughts creep in, and fester. Berating me over and over again, my mind like a cess pool, swarming with maggots and worms, eating away all my healthy thoughts.

I squirted my hands with the hand sanitizer that’s sitting in front of me. Seeing as I primarily use that when I am suturing up my wounds, It set off a longing to cut myself again.

Peoples voices flood into my mind – Mum, Friends, Hospital staff, patients – “You need to not be doing that” “I’m not going to say it’s okay, because I’ve said that too many times now” “It’s not acceptable” “that’s so manipulative of you” “I’m so angry with you for doing this” “stop acting out”.

My mind is torn. Like a tug of war going on. Except this tug of war doesn’t have only two ends of the rope, it has many. Each pulling in their own direction, attempting to influence me for long enough to listen, to hear, to act.

Anxiety is tugging its own rope. A rope in my stomach, pulling down harder and harder. The top of it, attached to my throat, chokes me as it tries to drag me to the ground. I know what would release me. I know what would help. 

I can’t. I shouldn’t. I want to.

 

 

Credit www.baylorbarbee.com for the photo

 

My brain has flatlined (if that were possible)

Beep ^ Beep ^ Beep^^^ BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I have been trying to write an interesting blog post all day, but my brain has just died. I keep getting distracted by everything. Heck, I even cleaned my room! 

I promise I will post later, I am writing about suicide facts that are not well known, and need to be made known! My problem is that everywhere I look for data, there’s interesting stuff, but it all contradicts itself. So Im trying to gather it all up, so I can get the most accurate details.

On another note completely, I went out this morning, but my brain seems to think that day is night and night is day. So I’ve decided that I will try an idea I heard a while ago of how to get your sleeping cycle back into a normal rhythm.

The idea is, not to try and get to bed earlier and earlier each night (we all know that doesn’t work). But instead, keep going to bed, and waking up, later and later. You do this over a period of about 2 weeks, until you are back at sleeping in a normal pattern (such as 10 pm -7 am etc) 

This will, no doubt be very disruptful to my schedule, so i will have to minimise everything that’s not essential, and work around those things that are essential somehow.

I’m still in two minds about whether or not to go to this fill in social worker lady. I kind of don’t want to, but I probably need the support. But is seeing someone I don’t know from a bar of soap, and only once a fortnight, really going to help me? Or will it just aggravate things?

Why you should trust your own judgement

I just experienced a wake up call that I should really trust my own judgement. 

Instead of listening to my own wisdom, I thought I would be a “good girl” and listen to what the doctor said. She told me I should take the stitches in my leg out after 7 days. So just now, I started to do so, as its the 7th day for this laceration. As I got to the middle, the wound started re-opening and bleeding quite dramatically.

*curse you, good girl brain, you knew it needed longer, but you ignored that thought*

So I quickly opened a new packet of steri-strips and pulled the wound back together. Now I just have to hope that they will be able to hold it. I left the rest of the stitches in. 

From now on, I am going to take out the stitches when think the wound looks healed enough. Because I am usually right when it comes to that. No more “I will be good and follow others instructions whilst ignoring my own judgement”.

I need sleeeeep!!

Oh my, I am struggling to stay awake

sleepy

Every inch of my body just wants to lie down and fall asleep. 

I did go out this morning, then went to the supermarket, and taxied home. I am quite proud of my efforts actually! Helps that I went out with very supportive people who picked me up, and were good at making me feel relaxed and comfortable. They dropped me at the supermarket afterwards, where I bought way too much food! 

Having too much food is probably a good thing at this stage though, because hopefully it means I won’t need to go to the supermarket for ages. I don’t usually shop like this, but I got heaps of pre-packaged microwave type meals, so that when I am too anxious to cook, or leave my room etc – I can still have something to eat for dinner/ lunch. 

groceries

My list that I made last night, of course, did not make it into my bag, and half the things I had planned to get, I forgot about. Typical.

All of that must have been far too exhausting for me, because when I got home, i accidentally fell asleep for about 3 hours… until a politician came and knocked on my door and I had to get up, and politely tell them, that no, actually, I didn’t want a huge sign advertising their party on my fence thank you very much.

So since then I have been resisting the urge to fall back asleep, because I want to be able to sleep tonight!

 

Calling the Parentals…

I just talked to mum on the phone for ages. Shes kinda freaking out a little about my state:

  • Too anxious to leave my bedroom
  • Too anxious to feed myself – apparently surviving off coffee, more coffee, and toast doesn’t count? Who would have known!
  • Missing important appointments and not realising, because I’m just consumed with my anxiety/fatigue
  • Not getting out of bed/not showering/not really functioning..
  • Self harming
  • Going from talking really fast non stop one day to being miserable and crying the next

There’s probably more I am forgetting. But I didn’t really put two and two together and realise, actually how low functioning I am at the moment!?

Then she started telling me that it wasn’t acceptable and that I should just pray more and I would be better. Sorry mum, but I’m already doing that quite a bit, and I’m not saying that it doesn’t help it does , but I still have crippling anxiety and self harm behavior. It’s not really a matter of, just try harder. It doesn’t really work like that!

So I’m feeling pretty miserable right now. Like a complete baddie failure at life. I also need to get up in the morning unfortunately. And I’m already freaking out about having to go out. 

If I’m this bad after two weeks of no mental health support… how am I going to manage the next 6 on my own???!

Dealing with compensation entitlement (HELP!!)

So the last 3 hours I have been googling the heck out of what monetary awards I may be entitled to as compensation for my sexual abuse. So much annoying legislation and confusing jargon to sift though to find the information I actually want to read!

money tree

My findings? I may be entitled to a lump sum payment, the value of which is determined by how impaired I am judged to be, by one of their psychiatric assessors. From their guidelines, I would place myself at 30-60% impaired – and hence would probably receive something between $10,000 and $50,000. I have no idea how accurate this is though. I guess I will have to wait and see. 

The other thing I might qualify for is a weekly payment, because I can’t work due to my mental state.

So this is all kinda exciting, but also daunting. I KNOW these processes are ruthless, and lengthy. The last time i had dealings with this place, it was so triggering that it sent me downhill enough to be stuck in hospital for the next 8 months. So I will have to tread carefully!

walking on eggshells

What would I do with this money? Ummm well probably the first thing I would do is pay off my debts. And depending on how much was left over, then I would either put it towards future education or towards a deposit on buying a house, and having enough to travel overseas to live (maybe)

How am i feeling after doing all this research? Exhausted, cold, and desirous of self harming. Or hiding in the wardrobe. But its too cold to leave my bed. I am oh so sane 😛

10 ways to tell if you are allergic to gravity!

Today is a POTSie day

You are probably thinking – What on earth is POTSie? Well, fair question. It’s a bit of a slang term commonly used by those of us lucky enough to be allergic to gravity – or standing up! POTS – aka Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is a chronic autonomic condition that I have to fight everyday. 

So, here’s 10 ways to tell if you are allergic to gravity:

  1. You feel like you have been running a marathon all day. All day yesterday too. And the day before that…tired
  2. You randomly feel the need to sit down in the middle of the supermarket, on the street,or anywhere else for that matter (insert embarrassing place here)
  3. You have a love hate relationship with exercise… well, mostly hate. Lets be honest people. After 2 minutes, this is you:

gym

 

  4.  You need to drink an entire swimming pool a day to even vaguely survive!

  5.  Salty food is your best friend, and you regularly get disapproving looks from others when salting your food…

  6.  Sometimes you feel like this man here:

pill man

  7. The floor is your best friend:

fall

  8. Sleep is your second best friend… when you can catch him

sleep

 

  9. Your heart rate could be likened to the speed of a Springbok

springbok

  10. You’re not a quitter!!

 

Keep hanging in there my fellow POTsies!!

(I was sitting here feeling pretty yuk, so I thought I would pop on my heart rate monitor. Aaaaand sure enough, my heart rate is being screwy! 100 sitting… 150 standing sigh.)