Oh so miserable

I wish this misery would depart. It’s like a sinking ship in my stomach, dragging me to a point where I no longer have the will to live.

I really want to cut my radial artery and bleed until I feel dizzy. I want to see blood and life pump out of me. I don’t deserve to have it in me. Let the blood carry away the pain and hurt, the hopelessness and eventually, my soul.

I am not mad, or angry. Not scared or excited. I almost feel nothing at all. Like a huge emptiness, I can’t seem to find the energy to want to live, or the energy to really want to die. I just want to slip away into oblivion. No thoughts.

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Feeling frustrated with my own failure

So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.

Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse). 

Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.

Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!

It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.

I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.

Efficient day!

I have been so efficient today. I scrubbed and cleaned the entire bathroom for several hours – my hands now feel funny and stink of chemicals. And, I made a chocolate cake, and ganashe, even though that meant going out of the house to the dairy to get eggs and chocolate! I even finally got around to putting a load of washing on… which I have been meaning to do for days and days. I ran out of clean underwear so I kinda had to get around to it today anyway.

I was supposed to go out to an appointment with a mental health nurse, but I really really didnt feel like it, and this morning, was busy hoping/wishing that she would ring and cancel. Then half an hour later – ta da! I get a call from an unknown number, and its her, ringing to cancel because she was going home sick. So that worked out perfectly.

Well… not quite perfectly, I needed to pick up a repeat prescription today of my sleeping pills, but i was too anxious to go out…. So i haven’t gone, and I have no sleeping pills for tonight. I will try going again tomorrow.

Im quite shaky and tired now, but I need to keep going, I have to have a shower and find some clean clothes to wear to my friends tonight. They are picking me up, so at least that will save me some stress.

Hope you guys are all doing well 🙂 xx

The world is a scary place!

I am a tad hesitant to blog about this… but it’s all caught up in my head, so I need to get it down.

I never usually keep up with world news, because I don’t watch TV, but lately I have come to hear about all this business with ISIS… With the recent scare here in Australia, where they found plans to capture random members of the public and behead them on camera in Sydney and Brisbane. Luckily, I’m in Melbourne, but still! Its scary what the world is coming to!

Are governments going to turn on all religion soon? We really need a better, world government. But humans can’t provide that in reality. This world is turning to shambles.

Last night I was having nightmares about this, and dreamt that a family I knew who had relocated to the middle east, were victims in this ethnic cleansing regime.

Anyway, I need to distract myself from this now, so I will tell you about my success yesterday! I managed to leave the house, by myself without self harming! Whoop whoop! I took the dog for a walk, up around the bush areas near my house. I discovered how unfit I am! But I am very proud of myself for managing it 🙂

Dear Headache. Please leave.

I’ve had a terrible headache starting yesterday afternoon, and it wouldn’t go away with ipbrofen and paracetemol. It lasted all night and consequently I had a pretty crappy sleep. But I still have it! And its really starting to get on my nerves, because I cant figure out why I have it – I haven’t fainted and hit my head recently, I have already withdrawn from coffee, and it wont go away with regular painkillers!

So I’m feeling pretty lousy today, I need a shower, but I can’t be bothered, don’t feel like eating, feeling nauseated because of this headache, and the back of my eyes hurt. Rarrr. Plus, I have a sore jaw on one side, which feels like it might dislocate itself if I am not careful.

Oh and my new sleeping pill to replace the other ones that have stopped working? Even worse. Didn’t feel sedated at all and had a really bad sleep.

I’m going out with a friend soon, and I am feeling a tad nervous about it, because… ya know, general anxiety about going out into the real world. But shes a very close friend so hopefully it will be ok. We are apparently going with her little boy to see a robot dinosaur.. whatever that is. Sounds like a laugh anyway.

I’m sorry to all my readers who have left comments that I haven’t got around to reading yet – Its feeling a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I will read and reply when I am in a better state of mind. I promise 🙂

Better go get myself ready. Love ya and leave you all 🙂

Psychiatrist visit, and update

I’ve had a break from my blog for a few days, while I was recuperating at a family members place, because I had a cold! So Im very sorry for the lack of posts!

I spent the weekend resting, and crocheting, while spending some lovely family time, which was nice. I came back home on monday afternoon, and slouched in bed, feeling better physically, but really flat and miserable as well. So I rung up my mummy dearest and had a chat, which held off the urge to self harm.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up feeling really strange, like an out of body experience.. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was really weird. Plus, I had to go out into town to a psychiatrist appointment, which of course I was really anxious about – so to facilitate that being able to happen – I cut myself. Problem was, I was only planning on doing a small cut, just enough to be able to lessen my anxiety about going out. But I ended up doing a fairly large one again, which I will have to suture up later sigh.

The psychiatrist appointment went well, I remembered to ask about all the things I needed to ask about. Also managed to get some of my medications changed, so that I can hopefully have a better sleep! Yay! Though, I feel like I am on SO many meds  now!

I actually quite like my psychiatrist, she treats me like a real person, with genuine motives, unlike a lot of psychiatrists. She lets me help decide what medications to be on, and shows me the charts with side effect comparisons etc – Which I value. I like it when I’m not treated like a complete imbecile!

On another note completely, I bought yum stuff at the grocery store, and I am going to make a banana split later 🙂

Trip to the hospital

I want to make a proper post later, but for now I will just write a quick update, seeing as I didn’t post yesterday and I’m on my phone.

Im at the emergency department at the moment,  feeling really sick. I think I have a bug or something. Currently I am just sitting in the waiting room, I have been for ages now. All my body wants to do is lay down on the floor and rest. Sitting up in this chair is very hard work.

The reason I’m here, is because last night I cut myself rather deeply, but I felt very unwell afterwards – dizzy and tachycardic with no energy. So I couldnt stitch it myself, and then fell asleep. Today I was still feeling really unwell, and not up to anything,  also, I wasn’t sure whether it was supposed to be stitched after that amount of time.

So I rumg my doctors office and left a message for a nurse to call me back – so I could ask about whether to suture it or not. Later on, I get a call back, but it wasn’t a nurse, it was my lovely Doctor. We had a little chat about the situation, and she suggested I go to ED because I wasnt well and she wanted them to check my bloods etc.

I begrudgingly obliged, and had my flatmate help me get on a bus to the hospital. So here I am, sitting waiting. Hopefully its not long to go. Im getting bored and hungry and really want to sleep!!

Hope all of you are well, I promise to make a propper post soon! 

I can see something you can’t! #Looking at my life from another perspective

Tonight I called mum, and she said I’ve climbed out of the pit and I’m much better. Now to any normal person, this sounds like a huge compliment, something to be proud of. Part of me is proud of it, and happy that she sees that. The other part of me is slightly annoyed, because I still feel pretty bad and I don’t think I am functioning very well. I think my fear is, that she will think i am lots better, and expect a lot from me. 

I expressed that concern to mum, and she assured me that she wouldn’t expect too much too soon. So that’s good. Although, we have different versions of whats too much or too little. Also, different views on where I am at mentally.

It’s like the Johari Window 

Johari window

This confusion is mostly my own fault, because I am either pretending to mum that I am better than I am, so that she wont totally freak out and come up here. Or I ring her in absolutely my worst states, out of complete desperation when things are really really bad. 

So it’s no wonder things are a mess!

Anyway, I have had a not too bad day – I went out to an appointment all by myself, came home and watched tv series and crocheted for the rest of the day to deal with my anxiety. There was a point where I was very tempted to self harm, but the fact that I was cocooned in my little nest I had set up, prevented me. It was just that bit too much more effort than I was prepared to put in, in order to self harm. So I am proud of myself for not giving in, but also for making it that bit less accessible, which put me off enough to stop me. 🙂

Righto my lovely readers, I will love you and leave you! Sorry If I am a bit slow to reply to your comments at the moment. I will get to them!

Shark week, grumpiness & touch typing

I’m hiding myself away in my room, trying to avoid people because I’m grumpy. Shark week has begun, and I have a massive headache that wont go away despite all of the painkillers I have used in futile attempts to kill it. So those things make for a grumpy Katie. I’ve noticed myself thinking annoyed thoughts at my flatmates, which are over pathetically small unimportant things – So what I gather from this is that I need to remove myself from everyone, until a more rational mind can make its way back. I know my flatmates have done nothing wrong, so I don’t want to accidentally be a complete bitch to them.

I don’t really feel like writing a blog post right now, so I am going to keep this short. 

I did actually have a really good morning, my prayers last night were all answered and I was not too anxious or tired, and really really enjoyed the meeting. It was like having a little break from my anxiety.

Unfortunately that didn’t last all day, the afternoon turned a little sour with the arrival of shark week hormones and my usual anxiety-ish self. So I have been sitting in my bed watching The Big Bang Theory, and working on my crochet. I have done so much crochet, that I’m getting a minor sort of rope burn on one finger!

Just now I was wondering if I should learn tough typing – as it could be useful for blogging. So I decided to do a touch typing test to see how fast my typing speed was at the moment. Turns out I type at 53 words per minute which is supposedly 39% faster than average. I think that’s pretty good 🙂

Anyway, that’s me for now, I’m going to go back to watching movies to distract myself from urges to hurt myself in some major way.