Feeling frustrated with my own failure

So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.

Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse). 

Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.

Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!

It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.

I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.

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5 thoughts on “Feeling frustrated with my own failure”

      1. You’re so welcome. And yes, there are people that care, even total strangers such as myself. I just started this blog as a way to cope with all my issues and have found some really amazing people here. Just when you think you’re all alone, just know that there is somebody out there who knows exactly what you are going through. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

  1. There are times when I feel that way too. Second opinions are important, especially when permanent courses of action are involved.

    Although I can probably do the least of people you know, I would like to say that your existence is known, appreciated, and will be missed when it is extinguished. Accord my second opinion with the weight you wish to give it, but know that it will not change.

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