Holiday

So I’m on holiday at the moment. So far I have survived the flight, and managed the supermarket with mum and Tayla. I even went to get a haircut with mums hairdresser at her house,  which was actually really good, because she didn’t have a mirror sitting in front of me, and mum did all the talking so I didnt have to! Plus she did a good job! She works for a fancy salon but also does some on the side at home. Its so much cheaper here than in Melbourne! 

I also went shopping with mum for a pill box – we ended up getting one that fits all my medication boxes etc. The other is an organiser, so I can remember whether I have taken my meds or not. Its proving very handy, but I feel like such an old lady. Damn dysautonomia problems!

Today I chilled at mums house,  and some good friends came to visit. So I didnt have to leave the house which was nice and relaxing. It was nice to see some old friends.

Anyway thats about all thats interesting about me at the moment. Hope you are all well xx

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Urgent Doctors. Silly doctors.

So annoying! I self harmed this morning, because I needed to go out to appointments and such, by myself. But I didn’t realise I had run out of suture material! So I had to ring up my doctors office and see if I could get an appointment. They had no doctors in, so they sent me to the urgent doctors instead.

I hate going anywhere to get stitched up, especially places like the urgent doctors or emergency department, because they don’t know me and immediately freak out about my mental state. The doctor tried to ask me a hundred questions about why I self harmed, whats been going on lately for me, am I feeling suicidal, was this cut a suicide attempt blah blah blah. All the while, I am trying to convince her that its all normal for me, the only reason I am here is that I ran out of sutures, that I saw my team today, and they know about my self harming etc etc. But she was still all panicky.

They rung the crisis team, but thankfully I didn’t have to see them or anything. Because that would have meant waiting for ages and ages all for a very pointless few words with them. I got let home as long as I put the crisis number in my phone in front of her. Whew.

It was relatively amusing after the doctor had finished suturing, and left the nurse to dress it. The nurse was amazed that all the other sutures in my legs had been done by me. She said “how did you learn how to suture so beautifully??!”, and after putting some steri strips on parts of the wound that were not completely held together by the sutures, she whispered – “I think you are way better at suturing than the doctor!”. I’m not gonna lie, it felt pretty good šŸ˜›

So anyway, after a very long and tiring, and to be honest quite stressful day – I am finally home. Completely had it, and ready to blob and watch The Big Bang Theory.

Stress/Trigger Overload

Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.

Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.

And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.

One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.

Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!

How am I going to manage all this??!

Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.

What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.

So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!

Someone please give me some ideas!!

Guilt and Self punishment

Ive been feeling guilty aboutĀ notĀ self harming.. how messed up is that?? I haven’t self harmed in about 2 weeks – which is good right? So why do I feel so guilty about it? Almost like iĀ haveĀ to self harm or else something bad might happen. Or I should be punishing myself for being a bad person. But I just have not felt like self harming.

The weird thing is though, mentally, I haven’t really been doing much better. In fact, I have had a few suicidal thoughts, and have been really low. I have also managed to muck up my sleep routine, going to sleep really late and waking up really late. Aka sleeping through most of the day.

Its quite weird, since taking doxepin for sleep, I have noticed that it takes a lot longer to fall asleep, and at no point do I actually feel sedated. I think that’s a good thing though, it feels like a more natural sleep. However, every morning, I wake up really early, briefly, depending on when I took the meds, but around 6 am. But I do not want to be awake at 6 am because, well… I would have to be “alive” for much much longer! So I go back to sleep, and end up waking up at 3 pm ish, Give or take 3 hours.

I feel quite lazy, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. Anxiety also kicks in if I try andĀ doĀ anything. I have not been out of the house by myself at all for the last 2 weeks. I have skipped all of my appointments because I chickened out/ slept through.

However, I have been out, if I get picked up and taken somewhere by a close friend. So in the last 2 weeks I have been to church, out to coffee, the supermarket, walked the dog, and out to a concert – all with friends. I think that’s enough bravery for me.

Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been self harming, because I was needing to severely self harm in order to go out by myself. And since I haven’t been out by myself, I haven’t self harmed!

On another note, my bedroom has becomeĀ so messyĀ that it is too overwhelming to tidy now. I don’t know what I am going to do. It makes me feel really stressed looking at it, but then it makes me feel even more stressed when I think about tidying it. I need it to miraculously clean and tidy itself šŸ˜› hehehe.