So here i am

Lying in bed… clocks telling me 12:25. Nah, feel far too awake for sleep. My tiny little pill is sitting on my bedside table, daring me to take it in,ingest it, and fall into blissful sleep. Theres an internal battle going on here, I know i ought to take my quetiapine now,whilst that lone piece of toast is still vaguely in my stomach, and so i can get enough sleep to warrant a slightly less grumpy me tomorrow. Theres that versus starting this new blog… hmmm. 1st option is obviously more logical, but guess which one im choosing? Stupid fool. Ill regret it in the morning!
Anyone else watching the olympics? Duh, stupid question i guess. Im a bit of an oddball, i cheer for whoever looks like theyre winning – not neccessarily my country, and my muscles start twitching.. its like theyre so into the race or whatever that they want to join in. LOL.
So pretty much, ive managed to survive these couple of days. I dont know quite how. Ive been that close to ending it. Just cut a little deeper i say to myself. Go on, you know how, just do it. But alas! im still here, still fighting. I cant believe that my psychologist (M) did not take my request seriously.. or she didnt realise i was desperate.. or she doesnt care.. or she just hates me?? Anyway, the point was, Ive been desperate for some support since Wednesday, after she cancelled monday on me! I plucked up the courage to txt her on Thurs asking for an appt asap, to which she replied the next day with an abrupt – ‘tues 10:30. M‘. How pleasant is that?? And the thing is, Thursday I was oh so suicidal, that a friend rang the hospitals emergency psych services on me. Not being a fan of talking to new people, or wanting to cause havock, i told them i was fine. Whatever. The lady who called me said she would ring M and let her know they had been in touch with me regarding this issue. Gosh! I feel like M will hate me now, think im being silly. I know she wont… technically.. but the thoughts still there, nagging away at my core – piercing my conscience for even having these bad thoughts! So after all of that drama, i get this very short and sharp txt from M, giving me an appt for tuesday… TUESDAY!!! How on earth am i going to survive till then??? It makes me wonder if she even WAS told about my situation, because one other time i txt her in panic about a cut that was rather deep and i didnt know what to do, and she rang me immediately and had me rush in to see her. It wasnt even that dire, in comparison. So im left waiting till tuesday, feeling rejected and lonely, contemplating suicide every minute that goes by, and cutting to relieve this incredible pain.
Just two more days.. #sigh.

Continue reading So here i am


Welcome to the craziness of my mind…