Psychiatrist visit, and update

I’ve had a break from my blog for a few days, while I was recuperating at a family members place, because I had a cold! So Im very sorry for the lack of posts!

I spent the weekend resting, and crocheting, while spending some lovely family time, which was nice. I came back home on monday afternoon, and slouched in bed, feeling better physically, but really flat and miserable as well. So I rung up my mummy dearest and had a chat, which held off the urge to self harm.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up feeling really strange, like an out of body experience.. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was really weird. Plus, I had to go out into town to a psychiatrist appointment, which of course I was really anxious about – so to facilitate that being able to happen – I cut myself. Problem was, I was only planning on doing a small cut, just enough to be able to lessen my anxiety about going out. But I ended up doing a fairly large one again, which I will have to suture up later sigh.

The psychiatrist appointment went well, I remembered to ask about all the things I needed to ask about. Also managed to get some of my medications changed, so that I can hopefully have a better sleep! Yay! Though, I feel like I am on SO many meds  now!

I actually quite like my psychiatrist, she treats me like a real person, with genuine motives, unlike a lot of psychiatrists. She lets me help decide what medications to be on, and shows me the charts with side effect comparisons etc – Which I value. I like it when I’m not treated like a complete imbecile!

On another note completely, I bought yum stuff at the grocery store, and I am going to make a banana split later 🙂

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Trip to the hospital

I want to make a proper post later, but for now I will just write a quick update, seeing as I didn’t post yesterday and I’m on my phone.

Im at the emergency department at the moment,  feeling really sick. I think I have a bug or something. Currently I am just sitting in the waiting room, I have been for ages now. All my body wants to do is lay down on the floor and rest. Sitting up in this chair is very hard work.

The reason I’m here, is because last night I cut myself rather deeply, but I felt very unwell afterwards – dizzy and tachycardic with no energy. So I couldnt stitch it myself, and then fell asleep. Today I was still feeling really unwell, and not up to anything,  also, I wasn’t sure whether it was supposed to be stitched after that amount of time.

So I rumg my doctors office and left a message for a nurse to call me back – so I could ask about whether to suture it or not. Later on, I get a call back, but it wasn’t a nurse, it was my lovely Doctor. We had a little chat about the situation, and she suggested I go to ED because I wasnt well and she wanted them to check my bloods etc.

I begrudgingly obliged, and had my flatmate help me get on a bus to the hospital. So here I am, sitting waiting. Hopefully its not long to go. Im getting bored and hungry and really want to sleep!!

Hope all of you are well, I promise to make a propper post soon! 

I can see something you can’t! #Looking at my life from another perspective

Tonight I called mum, and she said I’ve climbed out of the pit and I’m much better. Now to any normal person, this sounds like a huge compliment, something to be proud of. Part of me is proud of it, and happy that she sees that. The other part of me is slightly annoyed, because I still feel pretty bad and I don’t think I am functioning very well. I think my fear is, that she will think i am lots better, and expect a lot from me. 

I expressed that concern to mum, and she assured me that she wouldn’t expect too much too soon. So that’s good. Although, we have different versions of whats too much or too little. Also, different views on where I am at mentally.

It’s like the Johari Window 

Johari window

This confusion is mostly my own fault, because I am either pretending to mum that I am better than I am, so that she wont totally freak out and come up here. Or I ring her in absolutely my worst states, out of complete desperation when things are really really bad. 

So it’s no wonder things are a mess!

Anyway, I have had a not too bad day – I went out to an appointment all by myself, came home and watched tv series and crocheted for the rest of the day to deal with my anxiety. There was a point where I was very tempted to self harm, but the fact that I was cocooned in my little nest I had set up, prevented me. It was just that bit too much more effort than I was prepared to put in, in order to self harm. So I am proud of myself for not giving in, but also for making it that bit less accessible, which put me off enough to stop me. 🙂

Righto my lovely readers, I will love you and leave you! Sorry If I am a bit slow to reply to your comments at the moment. I will get to them!

Shark week, grumpiness & touch typing

I’m hiding myself away in my room, trying to avoid people because I’m grumpy. Shark week has begun, and I have a massive headache that wont go away despite all of the painkillers I have used in futile attempts to kill it. So those things make for a grumpy Katie. I’ve noticed myself thinking annoyed thoughts at my flatmates, which are over pathetically small unimportant things – So what I gather from this is that I need to remove myself from everyone, until a more rational mind can make its way back. I know my flatmates have done nothing wrong, so I don’t want to accidentally be a complete bitch to them.

I don’t really feel like writing a blog post right now, so I am going to keep this short. 

I did actually have a really good morning, my prayers last night were all answered and I was not too anxious or tired, and really really enjoyed the meeting. It was like having a little break from my anxiety.

Unfortunately that didn’t last all day, the afternoon turned a little sour with the arrival of shark week hormones and my usual anxiety-ish self. So I have been sitting in my bed watching The Big Bang Theory, and working on my crochet. I have done so much crochet, that I’m getting a minor sort of rope burn on one finger!

Just now I was wondering if I should learn tough typing – as it could be useful for blogging. So I decided to do a touch typing test to see how fast my typing speed was at the moment. Turns out I type at 53 words per minute which is supposedly 39% faster than average. I think that’s pretty good 🙂

Anyway, that’s me for now, I’m going to go back to watching movies to distract myself from urges to hurt myself in some major way.

I need to sleep, BUT…

I need to sleep, but I am already freaking out about the next day :/ I’m anxious because I have to get up, have a shower, get dressed, look presentable, and go to church where there are lots of people, and I have to hold myself together for that entire time. I am also worried that I wont be able to get up in time, and that I will feel ill and want to not go – which i would then feel incredibly guilty about!

I need to sleep, but I am hungry. Feeding myself has become a huge struggle lately. Being depressed and anxious – I cant be bothered eating, mostly im not hungry, and the thought of having to go into the kitchen to make something scares me immensely. If its going to take more than 2 minutes to be ready to be eaten, including cleaning up – then its too stressful. But Seroquel is making me hungry. I have no food that is ready to eat, I already ate all my muesli bars. Then old eating disorder thoughts pop by and make me feel guilt for wanting food. Joys

I need to sleep, but I’m scared of turning off my computer, because my brain will explode into overdrive, negative thoughts whizzing by at 100 miles an hour!

I need to sleep, but It’s a weekend night, and there are lots of drunk people walking past and its terrifying me every time.

I need to sleep, but my body clock is screwed. it thinks I am an Owl. I need to teach it some anatomy 101.

I need to sleep, but I just can’t! 

Vivid visions of my own demise???!

Today I woke up feeling grumpy with the world that I had to be alive. I tried to sleep for as long as possible to delay the living part of the day. A politician came to the door mid morning which woke me up, and I couldn’t get back to sleep after that, as I was kind of eaves dropping on my flatmate Kaitlyns conversation with him, while I lay in bed trying not to be anxious about it. 

grumpy poo

When I finally got up, i was in such a gloomy grump. But i made myself go and say hello to Kaitlyn, or else I would have spent the whole day in my room by myself, and probably would have made her feel like I was grumpy with her or something (which I wasn’t). Funnily enough I ended up hanging out with her pretty much all day watching Out-lander and doing my crochet. 

outlander

So I started cheering up a bit being around Kaitlyn, didn’t want to be a grumpy pants for her all day. Still had a lot of very intrusive thoughts though, which made it very hard to concentrate on the movie. I had to stop and ask what was going on so many times. But she was lovely and was happy to pause and explain it to me. She must think I am really dumb/ slow! 

I tell you, I am usually reasonably bright and able to comprehend things easily. But it feels like lately half of my brain power has been taken away from me. Its like a big fog in my mind. Either that state of blurry nothingness, or a rampant trail of intrusive negative thoughts and images, that I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get rid of.

technical difficulties

For instance, while watching the movie, about 5% of my brain power went into my crochet, 15% into the movie, and the remaining 80% was imagining my own gruesome death, or cutting major arteries, or watching my friends and families reactions after my death etc etc etc. It is so incredibly vivid, that I feel the emotions, imagining what it would feel like at every stage of my death. But then also, encompassing the raw emotions of the aftermath in the feelings of those who know me.

This kind of thinking goes on almost all the time for me. I have only just realised, that in reality, i spend pretty much 24/7 thinking about suicide. Or at least, major self harm.

over thinking

 

I imagine myself in the shower, cutting, and accidentally (or not so accidentally) hitting an artery. I watch the blood spurt up to the ceiling and make a right mess. I watch myself scream out to my flatmates to call an ambulance, whilst trying to control the bleeding, and failing. Trying to wrap a towel round myself, and then regretting calling out to my flatmates. I then imagine what would happen if i hadn’t called out to them, and picture myself crumpled naked in the shower, surrounded by my own blood. I see my flatmates knocking on the door, wondering who was in there. I watch them wait, impatiently, and then get concerned. It takes them over an hour before they go to the measure of trying to get in through the window. Then they see the horrible frightening scene, and totally panic, screaming, crying. 

At this point, i start feeling guilty, and then i feel embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing me naked. But the vision goes on. I jump to seeing the rest of my friends, and my family, absolutely distraught and very angry. I see them trying to make funeral arrangements, but nobody wants to take it, because it was a death by suicide. When they do finally find someone, they have to be very careful about the wording of the talk, because there’s no promises for those who commit the sin of self murder.

I could continue on, but I think I will stop there. 

stop

I got a letter in the mail, mid afternoon, and it pissed me off to no end. I read it, then in a moment of rage, furiously scrumpled it all up and threw it across the room. Giving Kaitlyn a heck of a fright. It was a letter from the hospital saying I had a cardiology appointment with this dumb arrogant doctor. The one who wrote to my psychiatrist and said that he doesn’t think anythings wrong with me, and that I don’t have POTS (which I was diagnosed with a year ago). Now in the letter to the psychiatrist, he said he wasn’t going to see me, nor was my POTS specialist, who also apparently now thinks i don’t have POTS and that I was just lying about stuff. I have actually never seen this cardiologist before, so i don’t know why he has now made an appointment to see me. I bet its to “explain” all of the correspondence and their thoughts about the POTS thing. Which will make me SO angry that its not funny. 

Even after just getting the appointment letter today, I was really angry. Still am! 

angry

So right now Im in a bad state, really really really feel like cutting my arm. Which for some reason feels preferable to my leg right now, as its a different kind of pain sensation that I’m after. But cutting my arm is no good, because I cant stitch up my own arm. So I would have to go to ED. Which totally sucks, and I really don’t want to spend the night there.

I think Kaitlyns worried that I might self harm, she keeps coming in and checking on me and saying “don’t do something stupid”. Which is the exact terminology I used to explain it to them the last time I cut my arm and had to be whisked off to hospital by ambulance. My flatmates don’t know that I have been self harming since then.

Anyway, I’ve just realised this post has become very long (sorry)! So congrats and thank you if you have read it this far! 

They might be listening but no-one really HEARS you.

This is exactly how I am feeling with mental health issues at the moment! Well worth reading!

My Not So Secret Blog

The thing with having an illness you can’t diagnose with a blood test or an X-ray or some kind of biopsy is that its a non illness, a fantasy, all in your head. Because this kind of illness has no measurable parameters using machines and tests to show either deterioration or improvement (the only marker being the self reported quality of ‘life’ for its sufferers) it is bottom of the pile. Did you know one NHS trust has cut its mental health budget by 90%?

Something else very telling is that no Dr or nurse would be permitted to speak to patients with Real Illnesses the way they talk to those with mental health ones, yet it’s fairly routine to be spoken to like some kind of sub intelligent sub human when dealing with mental healthcare professionals. If you are literate and articulate then usually even the most well presented…

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I’ve been busy!

Sorry for the lack of posts over the last few days folks, I have been a busy little bee!

I went out to stay with my Nana, and didn’t take my laptop. But it was a very calming and nice trip overall. Except the travelling. I fell asleep on the train on the way out there, missing all the beautiful scenery. But hey, I was super tired. Lucky I woke in time for my stop! 

We pottered about, went for some walks, admired the birds, and made yummy food. Nana lives rurally, so it was quiet and low stress. We also had an afternoon nap, which I was eternally grateful for after walking about all morning. I slept from 3 till 5! 

When I got back home, i had to prepare myself for going into town to see my Psychiatrist and new temporary key worker/case manager person. I was really anxious by this stage, and I self harmed in order to zone out enough to go to this appointment without feeling the anxiety.

She asked lots and lots of questions, and I answered them. Same saga. Apparently my GP wrote her an email and said that I had been self harming and “sewing myself up”. She was fairly intrigued by this and asked a few questions along the lines of; “how did you even get hold of sutures??”. But didn’t seem too concerned. She was just like “your GP said to always go to the emergency room”. Me: “yeeeeaah but that’s just stupid”. And from there she just moved on (whew).

I’ve been started on an antidepressant – Sertraline. I have little faith in antidepressants, they have never worked for me in the past. But maybe this one will. I doubt it, but its worth a try.

Ended up catching up with a couple of friends yesterday who I had not seen in nearly a year, so that was nice. It was like we had never been apart. Also, I am super proud of myself for managing that amount of time in town. Even if it was preceded by self harming.

So that’s me. Sorry this was a bit boring, but I am a very boring person really.

Passing out in public.. I don’t recommend it!

Today I managed to accomplish quite a lot in terms of my anxiety. I went to see the volunteer coordinator to tell her I couldn’t continue – she said they were not going to accept me anyway, because of my past. Don’t ya just love rejection? And I managed that without tooo much anxiety. 

Then I chilled at home for a bit, and got my inner nana on – and did a bit on my crochet. Then my lovely flatmate dragged me off for a walk to the warehouse, which I really really didn’t want to do, but mum and H ganged up on me, so I had to go. Anyway, I was a total anxious mess, and I don’t think H really realised how bad I was going to be. Because I wasn’t breathing very well, hyperventilating and whatnot, plus my bodies lovely relationship with gravity – I ended up passing out in the middle of the warehouse. How embarrassing! Then H felt bad for making me come out, then I felt bad for making her feel bad, and for scaring her. And then we walked home. So much stressss! 

Then I went out to my friends for a Bible study session, which I do every week with 3 close friends. So they picked me up and dropped me off, and it wasn’t too stressful.

And now, I have to try and go to sleep (sleep hates me at the moment) because I have to get up really early to go to Nanas on the train. So I will update more later.

Thanks all you lovelies who read my blog and comment, it really means a lot to me.

 

Welcome to the craziness of my mind…