So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.
Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse).
Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.
Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!
It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.
I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.