So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.
Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse).
Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.
Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!
It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.
I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.
Im such a wuss, I shouldnt feel so sick. I should get over it! Its day 4 of my fast, and im feeling horrendous. I must at least wait till tomorrow afternoon to eat. And im absolutely terrified of eating. It scares me so much! Im 2 weeks ahead of schedule on my weight loss plan. I guess that means i lost 3 kg in a week, but it feels longer than that. Its probably just water weight anyway. Doesnt count. Must lose another 5 kg, and fast. MUST. Im so incredibly fat, its disgusting.
Today I can hardly move, had to lye down in the shower because i had no energy. Last night i had to have a snooze in the changing rooms of the pool because i was exhausted. My body is struggling to keep me warm, im freezing, and i am severely nauseas, nearly vomiting all of the time. I am also nearly fainting everytime i stand up.
Thanks Janna, I know you have my best interests at heart!
Oh and I got my blood test results back, and i have wayyyy too many muscle enzymes, not enough B12 by far, and something wrong with liver function, but i cant remember what.
Got band practice tonight – thinking about asking them to scratch my solos for the concert so i can continue my fast. I dont want to embarrass myself.
Chao for now
I have a theory:
People self harm to relieve tension, to feel real, or whatever other reason they may personally have – and they feel better due to the release of adrenaline or technically epinephrine. So this person repeats the behaviour the next time those feelings surface, and get the same desired effect. If the pattern is continued long enough, the behaviour becomes addictive. The addiction is a reliance on epinephrine. This could mean that in severe cases of self harm reliance, the body becomes used to elevated levels of epinephrine on a regular basis, thus relying on it for other processes. For example, epinephrine stimulates glucagon production (the hormone that breaks down carbohydrates into sugar that is then absorbed by the blood). If, in turn, the body relies on epinephrine to produce glucagon, instead of being created in the natural way, the addiction, and need for self harming activity increases.
The problem this then poses, is that a sudden “remission“ (we shall call it for now) in self harm, could lead to metabolic dysfunction. There is suddenly no epinephrine, which causes a major slowing of glucagon production, and thus, low blood sugars. If the person in question was also diabetic, this could lead to a serious threat to their physical health.
I have no doubt that the self harm addiction would have to be extremely severe (in length of time, rather than severity of injury) for these functions to be reliant on the adrenaline, and that the above situation would in reality be very rare. However, I do think it a possibility, and believe that further research should be given to the matter.
The reason I thought about this is because of my own experience. About a week ago I was forced to abruptly cease self harm (my mum found out and has been my own personal prison guard since), and i have found myself in bouts of extreme sudden fatigue that is debilatating. Today I could hardly even breathe for lack of energy, speaking was absolutely using up every ounce of strength I could muster. This fatigue would typically last for about two hours, and would resolve upon consumption of fruit juice and fruit salad etc (sugar). Its bizzaire.
As I am clearly no scientist, there are doubtless many flaws in my theory. However, I do think there must be some sort of connection, worth investigating.
— Content may trigger self harm —
I’m quite amazed with myself! Iv’e just remembered that I had an entire cutting free day yesterday. How did I manage that? My first thought is “I have NO idea”… but on contemplation, im pretty sure its because: A, my last cuts were still bleeding from the night before, and B, there was no hide-able space to cut that had healed over enough to start again. I’m getting really sick of just cutting in the same place, on my left wrist, right where my fat watch covers it all up nicely. I see the creamy white clear surface of unadulterated skin on my arms and legs, and my mind wanders to my razor blade. How it would feel to start on that clean open space, running the metal over my skin, and watching mesmerized as the blood escapes – letting out with it all of my angst. But no, im stuck, confined to one tiny space, cutting over and over again on the same mangled skin. I wonder, will these scars ever heal? I can’t remember from my last (major) episode of cutting, how deep the majority of the cuts were. I think, one cut was incredibly deep, as i remember being able to fit my index finger in the width of it. That scar is still pretty prominent 3 years down the track, but the scars above that are white now, not so bad… some worse than others. All in all, not too noticeable considering its on my leg. My wrist however? People will put two and two together, and obviously your wrist is NOT somewhere that gets cut by accident, and happens to be a lot more in-your-face than a leg. WHY am I so stupid? Technically, I know why though… I cut there because I can just wear my watch over it, and a fat plaster when swimming – which nobody seems to notice. If i cut on my legs, I cannot hide this swimming – and a plaster would be super obvious! So yeah, that’s why. But when it comes to working in a cafe or something, and your not allowed a watch, and have a short sleeved uniform? Dread the prospect. Perhaps I will just avoid that line of work for now (ever).
The main issue is keeping the scars from my mum. Just 4 weeks till freedom.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Whew! I can’t wait it out much longer to see my psychologist M. Now I need to focus on exactly all the things I need to tell her and not forget. Filling the session with “I donk know” “I guess” and “Im not sure” is not going to be helpful. FOCUS!!