Ive been feeling guilty about not self harming.. how messed up is that?? I haven’t self harmed in about 2 weeks – which is good right? So why do I feel so guilty about it? Almost like i have to self harm or else something bad might happen. Or I should be punishing myself for being a bad person. But I just have not felt like self harming.
The weird thing is though, mentally, I haven’t really been doing much better. In fact, I have had a few suicidal thoughts, and have been really low. I have also managed to muck up my sleep routine, going to sleep really late and waking up really late. Aka sleeping through most of the day.
Its quite weird, since taking doxepin for sleep, I have noticed that it takes a lot longer to fall asleep, and at no point do I actually feel sedated. I think that’s a good thing though, it feels like a more natural sleep. However, every morning, I wake up really early, briefly, depending on when I took the meds, but around 6 am. But I do not want to be awake at 6 am because, well… I would have to be “alive” for much much longer! So I go back to sleep, and end up waking up at 3 pm ish, Give or take 3 hours.
I feel quite lazy, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. Anxiety also kicks in if I try and do anything. I have not been out of the house by myself at all for the last 2 weeks. I have skipped all of my appointments because I chickened out/ slept through.
However, I have been out, if I get picked up and taken somewhere by a close friend. So in the last 2 weeks I have been to church, out to coffee, the supermarket, walked the dog, and out to a concert – all with friends. I think that’s enough bravery for me.
Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been self harming, because I was needing to severely self harm in order to go out by myself. And since I haven’t been out by myself, I haven’t self harmed!
On another note, my bedroom has become so messy that it is too overwhelming to tidy now. I don’t know what I am going to do. It makes me feel really stressed looking at it, but then it makes me feel even more stressed when I think about tidying it. I need it to miraculously clean and tidy itself 😛 hehehe.