Tag Archives: doctor

Urgent Doctors. Silly doctors.

So annoying! I self harmed this morning, because I needed to go out to appointments and such, by myself. But I didn’t realise I had run out of suture material! So I had to ring up my doctors office and see if I could get an appointment. They had no doctors in, so they sent me to the urgent doctors instead.

I hate going anywhere to get stitched up, especially places like the urgent doctors or emergency department, because they don’t know me and immediately freak out about my mental state. The doctor tried to ask me a hundred questions about why I self harmed, whats been going on lately for me, am I feeling suicidal, was this cut a suicide attempt blah blah blah. All the while, I am trying to convince her that its all normal for me, the only reason I am here is that I ran out of sutures, that I saw my team today, and they know about my self harming etc etc. But she was still all panicky.

They rung the crisis team, but thankfully I didn’t have to see them or anything. Because that would have meant waiting for ages and ages all for a very pointless few words with them. I got let home as long as I put the crisis number in my phone in front of her. Whew.

It was relatively amusing after the doctor had finished suturing, and left the nurse to dress it. The nurse was amazed that all the other sutures in my legs had been done by me. She said “how did you learn how to suture so beautifully??!”, and after putting some steri strips on parts of the wound that were not completely held together by the sutures, she whispered – “I think you are way better at suturing than the doctor!”. I’m not gonna lie, it felt pretty good 😛

So anyway, after a very long and tiring, and to be honest quite stressful day – I am finally home. Completely had it, and ready to blob and watch The Big Bang Theory.

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Dealing with compensation entitlement (HELP!!)

So the last 3 hours I have been googling the heck out of what monetary awards I may be entitled to as compensation for my sexual abuse. So much annoying legislation and confusing jargon to sift though to find the information I actually want to read!

money tree

My findings? I may be entitled to a lump sum payment, the value of which is determined by how impaired I am judged to be, by one of their psychiatric assessors. From their guidelines, I would place myself at 30-60% impaired – and hence would probably receive something between $10,000 and $50,000. I have no idea how accurate this is though. I guess I will have to wait and see. 

The other thing I might qualify for is a weekly payment, because I can’t work due to my mental state.

So this is all kinda exciting, but also daunting. I KNOW these processes are ruthless, and lengthy. The last time i had dealings with this place, it was so triggering that it sent me downhill enough to be stuck in hospital for the next 8 months. So I will have to tread carefully!

walking on eggshells

What would I do with this money? Ummm well probably the first thing I would do is pay off my debts. And depending on how much was left over, then I would either put it towards future education or towards a deposit on buying a house, and having enough to travel overseas to live (maybe)

How am i feeling after doing all this research? Exhausted, cold, and desirous of self harming. Or hiding in the wardrobe. But its too cold to leave my bed. I am oh so sane 😛

Confessions in the doctors office..

Today I had to fess up to my self harm and self suturing! 

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I was really nervous about explaining this to my doctor. I was imagining she would totally freak and tell me off for a.) self harming, and b.) Suturing myself! 

I started by explaining to her that I’ve been self harming a bit more lately, and that I really hate going to ED, so I started suturing myself up. She didn’t show too much shock visibly which was a relief, but she did start then saying – “well we would prefer you to come here for us to stitch you up if you self harm”. But I then explained that I usually end up self harming late at night, so it wouldn’t be possible. So she suggested if I hate ED so much and it was after hours, I should go to the urgent doctors. My begrudging look must have shown quite clearly. I was like – “i know its bad, but i try and keep everything as sterile as possible and… etc etc etc” 

So she had me show her the cuts. Her reaction to this was priceless! She was majorly taken aback, and with surprise in her voice, was like “did you really do this?? Flip, that’s amazing! I couldn’t have done a better job myself! Wow. Ok then, seeing as this is a really good job, I can’t recommend that you do this, but just come to us if you need it looked at ok?”

Whoop whoop so now i feel like its probably ok, and that I can just go to the doctors for it if I think its infected or something. Yay what a relief. And now I also feel quite good about myself, because clearly im good at being self sufficient and able to suture myself!

My doctor has such a good attitude. I like how she lets me in on the information, and decisions about myself and my treatment, instead of most other doctors who like to keep you in the dark!

Now my only worry for the rest of the day is this darn interview about whats on my police check! Wish me luck!

What goes up must come down..

So you know how I said I was having a good day? Well not anymore. Of course there has to be at least one bad thing to bring it all crashing down.

unknown number

I get a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognise.. I hum and har for a few seconds before deciding to answer anyway. It turns out it was someone from the organisation that I really want to volunteer for. I completed and got through the loong 3 week intensive selection process, but it was conditional on my police check coming back ok. They said it was taking a long time. Now this, i found out a week or two ago – which was exciting! 

So tonight he rings me and says they need to meet with me tomorrow for an hour to discuss my police check which had just come back. So now I’m freaking out!! I don’t have any kind of criminal record whatsoever, so it must be mental health stuff that’s on there. I’m still under the mental health act – although under a community treatment order. So maybe that’s what appeared? Or could it be from the times that I’ve run away from hospitals and had to be brought back forcefully by the police? 

police puppies

I was under the impression that your mental health stuff doesn’t go on those police checks! So what, now all potential future employers will find out that I’m a crazy lady and I will never get a job! I feel like such a failure at life, and my past keeps screwing up my future. It really makes me want to give up. Don’t worry, I won’t.. its just disheartening.

And just to hammer the nails into my own coffin – I ended up self harming again, and suturing myself up. I almost considered going to the emergency department, because I think I cut right through a vein and it bled and bled and bled to the rhythm of my heart beat for hours. But it turned out ok in the end.

I have a check up with my GP (general practitioner) tomorrow, and I’m quite nervous, but it will also be good to talk to someone about stuff, especially as my social worker at mental health is away.

Playing doctor/ Survivalist / SHTF practice!

It’s one of those don’t try this at home type scenarios… but I like to break the rules! Here’s my first ever attempt at suturing myself. Well… first attempt at suturing in general actually 😛 

2014-08-25 17.15.51

 

I think I did a pretty good job, and it’s given me faith that in a SHTF scenario I would be able to confidently suture myself or someone else up to a reasonable standard, and in a safe manner! Now, I know that in general you should go get a doctor to assess a wound and treat it. I would still recommend this to all of you. I just happen to hate going to the ED, and like to do it myself if I can.

What a rebel. 

A year in review..

So I’ve been slack. Very slack. I’ve just read my last post and its nearly a year old! So whats been happening since then? A LOT! Infact, its such a lot that I don’t even know where to start! So from my last post, my mental state started deteriorating… I had a rather large psych assessment in which I had to divulge a lot of past trauma stuff in detail – the whole thing lasted nearly 5 hours! So after that, I started having much worse symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, and everything went quickly downhill. I then ended up quite suicidal and started cutting again

.hate hospitals

 

Shortly after the self harm episodes I ended up kidnapped by my team and whisked into hospital under the mental health act. I was not impressed. But at this stage (having never been in a psych ward before) I was terrified mostly. I was under the assumption however that I would get out within a week tops! They started me off in the unlocked side, but then after a few days I was self harming again and they didn’t like that very much. So the psychiatrist decided to transfer me to the locked unit (damnit). I really HATED having no control over myself and things escalated pretty quickly – I got really sneaky and managed to get blades in, and managed to find ways to hide them really really well. My self harm became more and more serious requiring lots and lots of stitches on many occasions. They tried to get my blades off me by doing room searches, but they usually couldn’t find them. As the self harm was becoming a huge problem, I was put on a one on one watch for a large part of the time. I hated this most of all, they had to watch me use the bathroom, shower, sleep – everything! Some of the watchers were nice, and i got on well with them, other were horrible and just stared at me and told me off.

Now by this stage i was discovering that if i didn’t have control, then i got very sneaky and broke almost every rule i possibly could, just to feel in control of myself again. Usually I would never self harm when there was a chance of someone catching me. But on a watch, I never had that time to myself. So I would end up trying to self harm under the blankets etc – they would usually catch me or figure it out and on occasions, when it was severe, I had to be restrained. One time, I must have been doing this, (I don’t remember very clearly, i dissociated significantly – but i heard about it) and it took about 6 staff members to fully restrain me on the ground and drag me off to the ICU section. It must have been really triggering for me because apparently the next day i woke thinking i was 7 years old and had NO idea where i was or how I got there, or what was going on. I apparently wrote a letter in that state, but they wouldn’t let me read it later because of its content. I had gone truly whacko! But when they moved me back to my usual room it started coming back to me. Whew!

On several occasions i managed to escape and run away. Now I recount all of this in a light way, but I was very very sick at the time and it was not at all funny for me or my poor friends. But I really was quite sneaky. Once I scaled a 3 meter wall to get out. The staff told me later that they were watching it on the security tapes and it was quite an amazing set of skills! That particular escape didn’t last too long for me, as i had had strong meds just prior, and after getting more blades and self harming, I ended up passed out on the street and someone called an ambulance. On other occasions though I managed to be free for hours and hours, running up through bush areas where i thought no one could find me. Those times I was eventually captured by police, nearly tazered, and forced to the ground where they then put handcuffs on me, read me my rights and then took me back to hospital. 

psych-ward

Time went on, and I eventually started to get a smidgen better. They wanted to send me to a private psychiatric hospital in a different city, that focused on long term recovery. So when I was stable enough to go, (3 months later) I was taken down there by a nurse and started my next leg of hospital stay. I cannot stress enough how AWFUL this place was. It was a course of tough love! It was all group work, and they would not tolerate any “bad behavior” so  they would publicly reprimand you and all the other patients would chime in with staff and tell you they were angry with you etc etc. This happened a lot until you were SO TERRIFIED of doing anything remotely wrong, that you learnt to keep everything bottled up and put on a happy face. They gave me a huge scary male therapist that looked exactly like someone who had abused me in the past, and refused to give me a different one. Even though I asked and petitioned and begged for months. So i just refused to go see him because I was not getting any good out of it. So no individual therapy for me, and the rest was all group stuff where people would consistently criticize you. And that was encouraged.

bad behavior

 

I didn’t find this place very useful, and I really really wanted to go home. But they wouldn’t let me. I was still under the mental health act and they also wouldn’t take me off. So I was stuck there. After about 4 months I decided to fake it till i made it, and be the super good girl they wanted me to be and managed to “behave”. I begged and begged to be allowed to discharge. Finally, begrudgingly they let me after 5 months. Now this was quite an accomplishment, seeing as they usually like to keep people for 2 years on average, and I was one that they had suggested stay that long. So on the 4th of July – independence day – I finally got my independence back and was able to move back to where I usually live, except in a nice new flat with new flatmates etc. 

Ive been in my new flat for a month and a half (wow it feels longer). I have lovely flatmates, and the location is great. Im now under a general mental health team (not the eating disorder service) and my case managers quite nice. Although shes going away for 6 weeks as of today. Ive been majorly up and down since being back, but Im so so so grateful to not be in hospital! I managed quite well for a bit, and wasn’t self harming, but things have started slipping again. Oh well. My main objective is to not end up in hospital again. I had a close run in the other day because I rung a heath line to check whether i needed stitches or not and that person rung the police and an ambulance without telling me and i got dragged off to ED. Where they wouldn’t let me go till my usual team came to see me the next morning. 

So since then, I decided i need to take care of my own wounds, and so I bought suturing equipment (sutures, forceps, needle holder and scissors) and taught myself how to suture. Tonight was the first night I self harmed since getting the equipment, and so I am quite proud of my efforts at stitching myself up. I think i did a pretty pro job. I kept everything as sterile as I could and Im already on antibiotics, so risk of infection is low. Im feeling much better mentally now and super stoked that I didn’t need to have any other medical care. BOOM!

freedom

I will try and update this blog more regularly from now on, I have a feeling im going to need it to survive the next few months. Especially with my mental health worker being away, my friends being sick of me being sick and me not wanting to end up in hospital. So this shall resume as my rant space as I have to keep everything hidden, whilst staying sane!

I hope someone reads this… If you do, please comment to say hi! I love my readers 🙂 

Neurologist, doctor and therapist all in one day! … and Janna

Janna is getting her way. I have eaten today, but not much. I want to make this maintainable, long term. I havent exercised though, I wanted to go swimming but mum wouldnt let me. I will go for a run later this afternoon, but i am SO sore! I have torn a muscle in my leg, and i cant lift my leg from the hip at all. I will drug myself up on painkillers though and run anyway. All of my other muscles are aching too, but thats just because ive been a lazy bum and havent exercised in ages!
I cant stop thinking about my little lamb that i found yesterday. I hope its alright.

Saw M today, she was absolutely blown away that i was feeling “fantastic“. I could see the excitement in her eyes, along with shock and confusion… until i told her it was because i wasnt eating and was overexercising. We had a lovely catch up though. On my last appointment before my move we are going to go get coffee instead 😀 should be fun! A little bit awkward… but ill get over it. Im going to miss M, you cant get much more awesome than her.

Today i had a neurologist appt, a doctors appt, AND my therapy session. Busy busy busy. Discovered that i have really low blood pressure which drops when i stand up… (this is the neuro appt) which is “a good thing, but you will have to be careful to drink and eat enough“ Ha. Eat enough. Lovely. Explains the blackouts and fainting though. I heard that exercising raises blood pressure, so ill just exercise a lot to stop myself fainting! Perfect solution.
Had a set of blood tests taken at the doctor, due to the fact that i get random shooting pain all over my body. Im curious to know what my iron levels are like, considering i pretty much always forget to take my iron tablets. I had a peek at her computer, and saw that “vegan diet“ was on my list of problems. That made me crack up, its not an ailment!! Doctors are so typical.

Im interested to know – anyone else out there have a problem with fainting? Or low iron? Or vegan???!! haha

Night at ED

Last night was SO embarrassing!! I told my mum about my arm, because i was slightly worried that i had broken it. So she took me to ED… which was really embarrassing because all of the staff were like – why are you coming now, if you did this a week ago?? Also, mum decided to invite my best friend – so i couldnt exactly tell them the truth either, had to make it sound like an accident (fell on the table edge) and so they were baffled as to the extent of the bruising, as it covers pretty much my whole arm. Anyway, we had to wait for aaaaaaaages because i really wasnt that serious. At midnight it finally got xrayed – and its not broken. Which is good, but it did make me feel very very silly.
Mum has given me the ultimatum – stop harming yourself, or youre not going to X city. So ive made a resolve for myself to stop. Ive never quite come to this conclusion as of yet. It feels like improvement. I want to stop.

Started feeling low and miserable today, last night was having some suicidal thoughts. Not sure if thats due to the meds or just due to me being depressed full stop. I think because im on such a low dose,it wont be affecting me yet. Speaking of which – i forgot to take it the other day… whoops.

I feel like such a bad person. My mother keeps telling me so, so it must be true right?
I just dont feel like living right now.

Tomorrow i am to be bombarded with mental health professionals… psychiatrist in the morning and ACC psychologist assessment in the avo. Wish me strength of mind peoples!