So all my hype of fasting for 40 days… yeah…. i came to my senses. I didnt eat for two days and realised how i was inevitably going to end up in hospital whether i liked it or not. But more what prevented me was that i KNEW that i would actually only be making myself fatter by doing that.
So im eating. i am only eating at night time though, one meal a day, and i will have whatever i feel like. I have been really stingy on money lately, so im just managing to create things out of my pantry. I havent bought food in weeks!! I will have to soon though.
Emotionally im a mess. Theres just too much going on. My evil flatmate came back from her holiday the other night and said to me she thinks i should still be living at home with my parents. She thinks i cant cope with life, and im too immature. She even txted my mum saying that she doesnt think i can hold down a job and should go home. Then she sent me this bitchy txt moaning about me not putting dishes away or putting the rubbish out type thing. (really im not that bad… but im not a mid 30s perfect housekeeper) then she made “rules” that i have to do all the dishes and clean the kitchen including wiping the table down, and underneath it before i go to bed everynight. Aka perfection. I barely have enough energy in the evenings to even make dinner, let alone clean the kitchen! So its almost easier to just not eat! I have been really upset over how she views me. She basically thinks im useless, selfish, lazy, immature… the list could go on! I HATE living with her, but i cant leave. I am stuck in a lease for a year. And i WISH we could have a third flatmate so i could afford life better. But oh no! She needs the third bedroom for an office! Which she only pays 60 dollars per week for. NZD. And she has the biggest bedroom as well. And she makes all these rules that i have to abide by. Im not even allowed my friends in the house, yet shes allowed whoever and however many she likes. Its so unfair. Im so anxious living in this house, Everytime i hear footsteps or a door open or shut etc – basically ANY noise, i start freaking out – hyperventilating, unable to move, or unable to breathe, tight chest … close on a panic attack.. not quite, but near. Thats no fun all of the time! She also judges all the food i eat, giving me condescending looks if i dare eat something like white bread or white rice, or any budget brand or NORMAL food, while she snootily eats her organic wholemeal type grossness!
On top of that stress, I then have all this business with my old sexual abuse coming up from the authorities that want me to be reassesed, so im having to read old reports and accounts of what happened, and my counselling reports from when i was a kid. So thats rehashing up some dreadful stuff, which is hard to cope with. And it makes me realise how much i cant remember. I have actually lost a large proportion of my childhood memories. And also the counsellors report was a load off bull**** But i cant talk to anyone about any of this stuff because its awkward. well i can talk to my neighbour/bestie … but i havent seen her in ages, shes been busy and i dont want to disturb her with moaning and needing help all the time. And my therapist i cant talk with properly, because she always cuts the sessions short, and mostly asks me how the weeks been at the start – i always say “ok” and then some minor insignificant things that have been happening, we talk about it for a few mins, then she goes on to teach me some mindfulness exercise or something. which is useful, i agree, she knows what shes doing. im just not getting that release from things that are majorly stressing me. maybe because theres too many things i need to talk about at the moment, she would have to listen to me all day! And my case managers good about letting me rant about stuff, and tbh i feel more comfortable talking with her.. but i havent seen her in ages, because i had to cancel an appt because i had concussion and needed to go to the doctor. so its been maybe 5 weeks since i have seen her.
And continuing my rant – because i need to get it all out- Im feeling sick all the time, feeling really fat and not able to lose weight like i used to which is really frustrating! So the eating disorder continual stuff is rearing up, im wanting to self harm but trying to avoid it. Some PTSD flash backs, and randomly feeling sad for no particular reason, just overwhelmed with everything. and holding back tears most of the time, whilst pretending to the world that im fine and couldnt be happier! Because, you know, cant have them think im not coping because that makes me weak and incapable of living away from my parents.
Im also feeling bad for not being able to do as much bible work as i used to, and feel like everyone is judging me because of it. aka im not good enough.
Works another bitchfest but hey, i think ive already moaned about that.
Alrighty, im gonna sign off now.
Ta ta!
Beneath the Smiles 