I am a tad hesitant to blog about this… but it’s all caught up in my head, so I need to get it down.
I never usually keep up with world news, because I don’t watch TV, but lately I have come to hear about all this business with ISIS… With the recent scare here in Australia, where they found plans to capture random members of the public and behead them on camera in Sydney and Brisbane. Luckily, I’m in Melbourne, but still! Its scary what the world is coming to!
Are governments going to turn on all religion soon? We really need a better, world government. But humans can’t provide that in reality. This world is turning to shambles.
Last night I was having nightmares about this, and dreamt that a family I knew who had relocated to the middle east, were victims in this ethnic cleansing regime.
Anyway, I need to distract myself from this now, so I will tell you about my success yesterday! I managed to leave the house, by myself without self harming! Whoop whoop! I took the dog for a walk, up around the bush areas near my house. I discovered how unfit I am! But I am very proud of myself for managing it 🙂
Today is a POTSie day
You are probably thinking – What on earth is POTSie? Well, fair question. It’s a bit of a slang term commonly used by those of us lucky enough to be allergic to gravity – or standing up! POTS – aka Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is a chronic autonomic condition that I have to fight everyday.
So, here’s 10 ways to tell if you are allergic to gravity:
- You feel like you have been running a marathon all day. All day yesterday too. And the day before that…
- You randomly feel the need to sit down in the middle of the supermarket, on the street,or anywhere else for that matter (insert embarrassing place here)
- You have a love hate relationship with exercise… well, mostly hate. Lets be honest people. After 2 minutes, this is you:
4. You need to drink an entire swimming pool a day to even vaguely survive!
5. Salty food is your best friend, and you regularly get disapproving looks from others when salting your food…
6. Sometimes you feel like this man here:
7. The floor is your best friend:
8. Sleep is your second best friend… when you can catch him
9. Your heart rate could be likened to the speed of a Springbok
10. You’re not a quitter!!
Keep hanging in there my fellow POTsies!!
(I was sitting here feeling pretty yuk, so I thought I would pop on my heart rate monitor. Aaaaand sure enough, my heart rate is being screwy! 100 sitting… 150 standing sigh.)
So today is day one of my fasting. Ive not at all been hungry, and mostly feeling really good apart from headache and nausea from my concussion. I woke up at about 8 and forced myself to go back to sleep till 10 – got up and scootered down the hill to catch the bus to get to therapy. So another 45 mins later the bus arrives, and I get to the waiting room, to find that the receptionist is on the phone… and she remains so for 15 mins… so my therapist doesnt know im waiting, and probably thinks im a slacker and am late!
In therapy we practiced mindfulness – but this time instead of focusing on the breath, we were focusing on an object. I was super good at it, and didn’t get distracted at all. 😀 Yay for small wins! But before we did that, she opened my sensitive claim from when i was a kid, and i also got sent one to my house – it talks about all the abuse and counselling i had when i was a kid. It really upset me. Ive been at home in tears for the last hour over it.
Im going to use it as motivation to not eat though. No way hosea am i going to eat. I just watched super skinny me on youtube, and now i feel the need to go out and exercise for 2 hours, and i feel bad for being in bed! I did scooter for about 45 mins today though so theres some solace. The problem is, i really want to exercise, i have the energy to for once, BUT im not allowed to! 😦 How important is it with a concussion not to exercise anyway?? I think i will just get back into it anyway. i cant handle not exercising. Plus, my metabolism is going to slow down majorly if i dont. so i have to right??
Another question – how important is it to take anti inflammatory pain killers or paracetamol with food? Because my headache is killing me, but im not going to eat. can i still take my meds?
Day 1 is so boring, i wish it was day 14 right now, because then i will feel a sense of achievement and awesomeness. Day 40 will be even better, but i bet i will be feeling so sick. I dont even care if my heart fails along the way. as long as i get skinny. Besides, so many people have managed 40 day fasts without ending up in hospital, so i am determined to not be pathetic, and just get over myself. I do not want another ED trip where a doctor says there is nothing wrong with me go away (how embarrassing!) – that was from pots though, not eating stuff, and the doctor did not know anything about it.
Right, im seriously rambling now. So i had better stop.
Luv ya all xx
Hello wordpress world! Longtime no see! This is me at the moment, i need motivation to get my lazy butt outta bed!!
Yesterday I consumed 70 calories, but didn‘t exercise. Today so far I have had 1 – coke zero, and I hope that thats all I have to have. Mums out for the day, and Im going swimming this evening with a friend so I can skip dinner.
I was thinking about getting some diet pills, but im not sure how compatable they are with sertraline or quetiapine. Does anyone know?
Last night i was feeling a bit depressed and had some ptsd triggers. Even watching the bubbles in my coke set me off!! It was the first time in a while that I thought about cutting myself. I imagined that feeling of release, pure, and clean. I wanted it. But i didnt, i stopped myself. Yay? I think thats a good thing.
Im so cold. One of the down sides of not eating. I get cold easily anyway… now im just plain freezing all the time! I should get off my lazy arse and do some exercise to warm me up. Actually, im supposed to be packing. But packing to leave home is such a mission. Calculating calorie defecits and posting on here is so much more interesting!
The other thing is.. I have way too many clothes, and I am not sure how many i will fit in a few months anyway if i continue the way I am. But then, knowing me, i will start eating at some point, or someone will make me, and i will get back to my set point. So what clothes do I pack???? Someone give me advice please! I dont WANT to be fat and ugly ever again, but then… i dont know.
My Bmi is 20 today 🙂 Getting there, step by step. Next goal, 18. Next goal, 16. Apparently about 2 months 15 days if i carry on like i am.
So i finished my fast yesterday. I ended up telling a fellow ana girl and she made me eat. I had aloo gobi from an indian restaurant and i felt awful about it!!! But i am slightly relieved, the nausea was absolutely unbearable – i was on the verge of chundering every few minutes, except that i couldnt, because i am no longer able to be sick without forcing myself. I have a lot more energy now, and managed to go for a quick 10 min run before my music lesson – neither of which i could have completed yesterday. I just had no energy. Im glad, because i have a concert tonight and i need to play well. I lost another kilo overnight, making it 5 kgs in 9 days. Im happy about that. I weighed myself this morning, in absolute fear that i will have gained since eating last night. Im pleased that didnt happen. Today I had half a cup of green smoothie (spinach and fruit, no.dairy) forced upon me by my mother. I was annoyed about that, 29 calories!! So thats it for today, no more food. Only water and herbal tea.
Ive been using myfitnesspal since E suggested it, and its amazing, i love it! You can set your calorie intake goal, and mine is 100 per day. You log your exercise and it tells you how many calories you have burned, and then gives you more calories allowed for the day. Today it gave me this message:
Laughing at the part in red.
Janna is around a lot more now that im eating, helping me, or accusing me. Whatever applies at the time. I kind of missed her. Im so glad shes here to stop me from binging and giving up. Usually the break of a fast ends in a lot of food. This time it didnt, and i really feel im getting places. My jeans which a week ago were a bit tight and uncomfortable now fit me nicely, and are even getting slightly baggy. Yay! My watch was also a bit tight a week ago, pinching my skin and leaving marks on my wrist because it was that tight, now slips down, and i can fit all of my fingers underneath it. This is nice -because it shows im actually losing weight, but its also less reliable at hiding my scars!!! Eeek! I shall wait till i have lost more weight and then get one or two of the links taken out by the jewelers. I want to wait as long as possible, because its expensive, and i dont want to get it done now, only to have to pay for it again and again with more weight loss..
Soooo I move in a week in a half! Exciting! I had better start packing! My mum is staying with me and my auntie for two weeks while im up there. I have a strong feeling i wont be able to get away with not eating 😦 This concept scares the heck out of me! But its only two weeks, and then ill be as free as a bird! This auntie also had anorexia when she was a teenager, so she knows all of the signs and will know when im not eating. But she understands – which my mum doesnt. And it makes a big difference.. I hope still, that i will find a place sooner rather than later. I dont want her making me eat, or telling my mum.
Right, better stop boring you all, and go for a run!
Ive decided I really need to learn how to count calories. Sure Its easy enough to read the back of a packet, but I have no clue when it comes to natural food (which is what i eat more of). So if anyone would like to teach me, any help would be gratefully accepted :-)!!
Today is day 3 of my complete fast. Already, ive woken up with the shakes. Its quite difficult to type on my phone, as my fingers have a mind of their own – going spastic all over the place lol. I will continue on with this fast though, until saturday. I would love to go longer, but I have a concert on saturday night which i must be on top form for! I have a solo/duet piece with a famous singer, and lots of solos within the other pieces. Joy of joys. If only iwas a humble backrow player… i could have continued my fast. Oh shoot! I also have my music lesson saturday morning, which means i will have to eat even earlier than planned!! Botheration.
I hope i can keep up all my exercise, which is, about 3 hours a day if not more. Its going to be one of those tough days, as my body is not so happy, is running low on energy. Must keep pretending to be exquisitely energetic! MUST!
I had my day all sussed. Infact, I had the entire week sorted foodwise. Every night of the week i had a plan for escaping dinner, except tonight, tuesday. So i txted a friend who is sick and asked if i could visit her this evening. She said yes 🙂 So what ive told mum is that im visiting kelly, making tea for her and having it with her because she is sick. Hehe clever thinking I thought!
Then, to my surprise, she tells me that lunch is on the table and we are eating as a family! I was really angry that my fast could be broken so soon! So I went, and put salad on my plate. I managed to muck about in the kitchen enough between bites and spat EVERYTHING out undetected! I was so proud of myself.
Now i just have to hope that all of my other excuses pan out as hoped for. Im at the pool now, about to swim. Have already exercised for about an hour and a half today 🙂
Im so happy!!
So today, I saw the psychiatrist, and im being moved up to 25 mg of sertraline (the normal starting dose). So now im on the look out for side effects again. Especially those that make me agitated or suicidal! I managed to make R grumpy today, because I challenged the fact that shes still only giving me weekly scripts of my meds so i cant OD with “you dont trust me“. She became SO defensive, and started spouting off all of these legal requirements, and the fact that she could lose her licence blah blah blah. It really was quite amusing to watch!
Today, Ive resolved myself to try the best I can to get away with a complete fast until saturday. Mum often controls my food, so if im forced into eating, I must purge. The biggest challenge will be getting out of dinner – as we eat as a family, at the table. I have succeeded today, as I made myself food and took it with me to band practice to ‘eat on the way‘ – which of course is still in my bag. I feel a bit bad wasting food like that, with dying children in africa and whatnot, but hey, its better than eating it myself. Tomorrow will be really really hard to get out of dinner, as we have family worship evening after dinner. Ideas people? Wednesday night we have ‘church‘ so i could go to the pool before that and go straight there, missing dinner. Thurday I have band again. Should be alright if mum doesnt come with me, and friday i also have band, as we have an extra rehearsal for our concert on saturday. The trickiest thing will be tomorrow night. I dont know how to get out of it! And then mum sometimes makes me eat breakfast or whatever. Especially when she thinks im on a not eating spree ( which she has kind of cottoned on to)… So my whole plan might be a failure, but hey, ill try. I must also exercise. Today I walked for 3 hours, and then went for a quick run. I am so incredibly unfit!!! In summer, I was fit, AND 14 Kgs lighter. Its not fair, why cant i do that again? I remember I was eating only raw food, and daily, I would eat an orange, and a small salad with no wholesome substance. I would swim twice or three times a day, run twice a day, and go for at least one long walk. We were camping 🙂
Anyway, i must get back to that state, but i will be free in a couple of weeks, and wont have to worry about my mum, so its better to not get her worried now.
I pigged out. This luch time i had two iced buns and a salad sandwich! How bad is that!!!? I felt like i couldnt control myself, I wasnt even that hungry. I had to purge. I couldnt cope with Janna squishing my mind into depression over it, so i had to fix it. I suck at being sick though – and a lot of it is still inside me D : So i will take a whole lot of laxatives when mums out of the way and hope for the best. This is not acceptable though, I must not over eat, I must control myself! Hunger is not the end of the world, so get over it!
Must run later, run and run and run. I deserve pain, I deserve punishment. The urge to cut is tremendous, but i will run instead.