I am a tad hesitant to blog about this… but it’s all caught up in my head, so I need to get it down.
I never usually keep up with world news, because I don’t watch TV, but lately I have come to hear about all this business with ISIS… With the recent scare here in Australia, where they found plans to capture random members of the public and behead them on camera in Sydney and Brisbane. Luckily, I’m in Melbourne, but still! Its scary what the world is coming to!
Are governments going to turn on all religion soon? We really need a better, world government. But humans can’t provide that in reality. This world is turning to shambles.
Last night I was having nightmares about this, and dreamt that a family I knew who had relocated to the middle east, were victims in this ethnic cleansing regime.
Anyway, I need to distract myself from this now, so I will tell you about my success yesterday! I managed to leave the house, by myself without self harming! Whoop whoop! I took the dog for a walk, up around the bush areas near my house. I discovered how unfit I am! But I am very proud of myself for managing it 🙂
I just talked to mum on the phone for ages. Shes kinda freaking out a little about my state:
- Too anxious to leave my bedroom
- Too anxious to feed myself – apparently surviving off coffee, more coffee, and toast doesn’t count? Who would have known!
- Missing important appointments and not realising, because I’m just consumed with my anxiety/fatigue
- Not getting out of bed/not showering/not really functioning..
- Self harming
- Going from talking really fast non stop one day to being miserable and crying the next
There’s probably more I am forgetting. But I didn’t really put two and two together and realise, actually how low functioning I am at the moment!?
Then she started telling me that it wasn’t acceptable and that I should just pray more and I would be better. Sorry mum, but I’m already doing that quite a bit, and I’m not saying that it doesn’t help it does , but I still have crippling anxiety and self harm behavior. It’s not really a matter of, just try harder. It doesn’t really work like that!
So I’m feeling pretty miserable right now. Like a complete baddie failure at life. I also need to get up in the morning unfortunately. And I’m already freaking out about having to go out.
If I’m this bad after two weeks of no mental health support… how am I going to manage the next 6 on my own???!
Yesterday I made a pact with a fellow ana friend, that we would both eat 1600 calories today. Shes just slipped underweight again, and its really sad, because she has been trying to recover. Its not fair how the ED sneaks its way back into our lives!
I cant help being jealous of her weight, but then, i did promise to eat 1600 cal if she would! That seems like such a lot, compared to my 100 calorie limit at the moment. Infact most days, I wont even reach that amount.
I need to start being responsible and practicing for this masterclass in a couple of weeks. So far, I cant even play my piece! I know that food will help. Its so hard though!
This morning i went into the pantry and scanned everything breakfast like for the amount of calories. Everything was way too many. I started hyperventilating and freaking out. I nearly gave up and didnt have anything, it was terrifying. But I decided to pray for the strength to eat just this one meal. It calmed me down and I was able to decide what to have. Honey puffs with light soy milk. All in all it was 288 calories… Heaps!! I carefully measured out the amounts, so that i didnt eat more than the serving size.
Someone help me, how am i going to make 1600????