Tag Archives: family

Stress/Trigger Overload

Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.

Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.

And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.

One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.

Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!

How am I going to manage all this??!

Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.

What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.

So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!

Someone please give me some ideas!!

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I’ve been busy!

Sorry for the lack of posts over the last few days folks, I have been a busy little bee!

I went out to stay with my Nana, and didn’t take my laptop. But it was a very calming and nice trip overall. Except the travelling. I fell asleep on the train on the way out there, missing all the beautiful scenery. But hey, I was super tired. Lucky I woke in time for my stop! 

We pottered about, went for some walks, admired the birds, and made yummy food. Nana lives rurally, so it was quiet and low stress. We also had an afternoon nap, which I was eternally grateful for after walking about all morning. I slept from 3 till 5! 

When I got back home, i had to prepare myself for going into town to see my Psychiatrist and new temporary key worker/case manager person. I was really anxious by this stage, and I self harmed in order to zone out enough to go to this appointment without feeling the anxiety.

She asked lots and lots of questions, and I answered them. Same saga. Apparently my GP wrote her an email and said that I had been self harming and “sewing myself up”. She was fairly intrigued by this and asked a few questions along the lines of; “how did you even get hold of sutures??”. But didn’t seem too concerned. She was just like “your GP said to always go to the emergency room”. Me: “yeeeeaah but that’s just stupid”. And from there she just moved on (whew).

I’ve been started on an antidepressant – Sertraline. I have little faith in antidepressants, they have never worked for me in the past. But maybe this one will. I doubt it, but its worth a try.

Ended up catching up with a couple of friends yesterday who I had not seen in nearly a year, so that was nice. It was like we had never been apart. Also, I am super proud of myself for managing that amount of time in town. Even if it was preceded by self harming.

So that’s me. Sorry this was a bit boring, but I am a very boring person really.

Calling the Parentals…

I just talked to mum on the phone for ages. Shes kinda freaking out a little about my state:

  • Too anxious to leave my bedroom
  • Too anxious to feed myself – apparently surviving off coffee, more coffee, and toast doesn’t count? Who would have known!
  • Missing important appointments and not realising, because I’m just consumed with my anxiety/fatigue
  • Not getting out of bed/not showering/not really functioning..
  • Self harming
  • Going from talking really fast non stop one day to being miserable and crying the next

There’s probably more I am forgetting. But I didn’t really put two and two together and realise, actually how low functioning I am at the moment!?

Then she started telling me that it wasn’t acceptable and that I should just pray more and I would be better. Sorry mum, but I’m already doing that quite a bit, and I’m not saying that it doesn’t help it does , but I still have crippling anxiety and self harm behavior. It’s not really a matter of, just try harder. It doesn’t really work like that!

So I’m feeling pretty miserable right now. Like a complete baddie failure at life. I also need to get up in the morning unfortunately. And I’m already freaking out about having to go out. 

If I’m this bad after two weeks of no mental health support… how am I going to manage the next 6 on my own???!

Preschool disco

What a day! Most of which was taken up with preparations for the preschool disco, the disco itself, and the big clean up afterwards. I am thoroughly exhausted and I didnt even run around screaming like all of the kids! I am in awe of the amount of energy they have, its unlimited!
My auntie has been introducing me to all the mums as a prospective awesome babysitter, which is kind. Any work/ income would be much appreciated at this stage. Although, having said that, i do have trials for a swim instructor job, and a pizza delivery job. As soon as i have 25 hours work, I will be able to afford to live properly, and will probably find my own place.
Tomorrow I need to practice my instrument, job hunt, and get any other odd jobs done. Its a pain that its saturday, because I really need to go into the city, get myslf a doctor, and get my B12 injection! I was supposed to have it this week… whoops. Its a pain having once weekly injections. I will be in town on sunday for the meeting at the kingdom hall (church), but the doctors are not going to be open then are they. So I will have to go in again on monday. Maybe I can sort it so that my job interviews/trials be on the same day. That would be nice.
Im actually dreading my psych appointment in two weeks. I feel like i ought to be more sick than i actually am, i should be full on starving and losing weight, cutting, suicidal, frequent panic attacks from ptsd, suicidal to even be worthy of attention. I know it doesnt work like that, and its no fun to be in that state anyway. But i cant help feeling like a fraud. Especially with the eating disorder. Im so fat! I guess im scared they will think im just a useless moron who is attention seeking, and then dismiss me as not needing help. I know thats silly irrational reasoning… but it keeps nagging at my mind.

Disco

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More photos of my new place – this time the views from my bedroom… etc

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My bedroom

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Getting better, new life

I am back to eating more.. and more. I was ok with that most of the day. Until now, when I feel very guilty indeed. SIGH. Ill get there… eventually.
I got a call from the mental health service today, and I now have an appointment with someone on the 26th. That was their first available appointment time… so yeah, I dont have much hope for the help i need. Back home they had me in twice a week because i was that bad. And now im in a place where they cant see me for a few weeks. Fantastic. What if i need more meds by then? Im only on a fortnighly dose i think. Im not organised enough. I also need to go and register myself with the doctors.
Im feeling kinda stressed out about this music festival. Plain and simple -i havent put the work in, im not good enough, not up to scratch at the moment. I cant wait till its all over!
Then i need to find myself a job, and a house (permanant) and i will be sussed! I wish i could skip these few weeks and not have to stress! But I guess im old enough and ugly enough to deal with it. I might end up going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms though.
Made 100 cupcakes today, for my cousins preschool disco tomorrow night! Was such a marathon, i am utterly knackered now.

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My new home!

Woke at 5.30 this morning, all ready for my flight. So im all unpacked, in my bedroom, in my new home. We have cute as pet lambs!! I will take pictures for you all tomorrow. Im not sure how long I will be living here, before i get my own place.. but im really happy here for now.
I ate over 1000 cal today, and i feel reasonably comfortable with that, which is a nice change. A lot of it was vegan chocolate hehe. I made an amazing curry tonight for dinner – and i was really proud of it to be honest. It tasted like something from an actual restaurant! And everyone loved it 🙂
Tomorrow i have been commisioned to bake 40 cupcakes for my cousins preschool disco (CUTE)!! So im excited by that prospect. I also got a call from a potential employer. Woot!
All in all – im happy. Miracle?

Ok so that was yesterdays post… which i didnt realise wasnt uploaded! So sorry guys! I can add photos now though yay!

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Screw this eating disorder!

Im sick of it. I truly am, yet i feel still stuck and guilty to eat food. I have eaten way too much today, already, and i feel like im losing control. I dont like losing control. I wouldnt say I have been bingeing… because it hasnt been that amount of food, but im getting the same feelings. Mum took me out for breakfast today, and we went half and half on a tofu vegetable fry up thing, and pancakes. We also had 1/2 a chocloate cinnamon and pear scone, and coffee each. I ate and ate and ate. The total being like 500 calories… which is my daily limit. I was so full, yet, came home and had a slice of ciabatta and hummus!! Pig!
So im feeling terrible, the worst thing being the feeling that i dont have control. Then second being a full stomach and yet still craving food.
I am also sick, I have a chest infection/ flu or whatever. Its very annoying. I ended up falling asleep this afternoon after all of my hospital dramas this morning. I hate hospitals, hate doctors. They are all useless poopy heads.
I leave tomorrow morning, and there is so much stuff to sort – like tidying my bedroom, packing boxes to be sent up later, picking up my medication, dropping off a library book.. etc etc. And on top of that, all of my friends are trying to visit me. And what am i busy doing instead? Sleeping! Useless worthless piece of rubbish, thats what i am!
The weather is insane today, so i cant even get any exercise in, or walk to complete some of my tasks. Its supposed to be spring now, but its been hardcore snowing, hailing, raining, galeforce winds! Its crazy!

Cheesecake, cake, biscuits, finger food food FOOD

I am terrified. I have already eaten FAR too much today – 1 biscuit (85cal) and 2 pieces of ciabatta bread with vegemite, no marg (nearly 200cal!) And tonight, its my leaving party, which my friends decided to make vegan food only. Everyone has to bring something vegan. This scares the heck out of me, as i am going to have no excuse for not eating, and infact, peope will be offended if i dont eat what they especially made for me! So I am going to have to eat lots and hope like heck i can purge afterwards! I am deffinitely going to take a whole lot of laxatives tonight, but it still means the sugar and what not has gone into my system. This is incredibly scary! Im worried I will have a panic attack or something.
So I have made a humongous baked vegan cheesecake – lemon with blueberry topping. It will be really nice. At least vegan versions of things dont have half as many calories as the real thing!! Its made of tofu (I know this sounds gross but its not) instead of cream cheese so its a lot healthier. But still.
Mum is making chocolate almond and hazelnut brittle, caramel popcorn and a chocolate cake. Eeek. At least i dont have to offend mum by not eating her food – because she is vegan too, its not a special effort for me.
We took it upon ourselves to do desserts as we thought that others might be too scared to attempt a vegan dessert, I think most people are bringing main course stuff. Looking forward to the sushi. Sushi is one of my safe foods. Ish.
Wish me luck… i feel like crying just at the thought of tonight. How bad is that ??Its my leaving party i should be having a great time! I wish Janna wasnt invited, she will be screaming at me the whole time.

Concert

The concert last night went ok, I actually changed my mind and decided i should eat, but then I couldnt get my hands on any food! I managed to grab a licorice stick and ate it on stage… very slowly and inconspicuously. It took me about 2 hours to finish it -_-. Then mum made me eat when i got home as well!!! I feel like such a fat pig. And this morning, I woke up dreaming of these muffins i want to make with tamarillo and oranges etc. I was figuring out how to make a nice vegan version -especially the icing. But then Janna shut that thought down quick. “If you make them, you will eat them, and you cant do that, you fat pig! How dare you even think of being that selfish“. So i now am not going to make the muffins. She is right,if i make them i will want to eat them… and eat them and eat them. And that might turn into a binge and i will hate myself. Gotta protect myself.
Im feeling really depressed now, and im not sure why. I think im scared by this next week, as i wont have band practices and i wont have as many opportunities to not eat. Im scared that my determination is waning. Maybe i need to fast again? That would give me solid determination, and make me lose weight quicker.. but i know that i wont be able to get away with it. I have too many nights that i will have to eat with my family.
Today I am especially scared of. Im feeling hungry because of last nights eating, which is bad! It means i might eat more than I should! And its sunday, and mums around, trying to make me eat. Whats the bet I will have to eat lunch AND dinner! Oh please help me. Im so scared

Night at ED

Last night was SO embarrassing!! I told my mum about my arm, because i was slightly worried that i had broken it. So she took me to ED… which was really embarrassing because all of the staff were like – why are you coming now, if you did this a week ago?? Also, mum decided to invite my best friend – so i couldnt exactly tell them the truth either, had to make it sound like an accident (fell on the table edge) and so they were baffled as to the extent of the bruising, as it covers pretty much my whole arm. Anyway, we had to wait for aaaaaaaages because i really wasnt that serious. At midnight it finally got xrayed – and its not broken. Which is good, but it did make me feel very very silly.
Mum has given me the ultimatum – stop harming yourself, or youre not going to X city. So ive made a resolve for myself to stop. Ive never quite come to this conclusion as of yet. It feels like improvement. I want to stop.

Started feeling low and miserable today, last night was having some suicidal thoughts. Not sure if thats due to the meds or just due to me being depressed full stop. I think because im on such a low dose,it wont be affecting me yet. Speaking of which – i forgot to take it the other day… whoops.

I feel like such a bad person. My mother keeps telling me so, so it must be true right?
I just dont feel like living right now.

Tomorrow i am to be bombarded with mental health professionals… psychiatrist in the morning and ACC psychologist assessment in the avo. Wish me strength of mind peoples!