Tag Archives: medication

Guilt and Self punishment

Ive been feeling guilty about not self harming.. how messed up is that?? I haven’t self harmed in about 2 weeks – which is good right? So why do I feel so guilty about it? Almost like i have to self harm or else something bad might happen. Or I should be punishing myself for being a bad person. But I just have not felt like self harming.

The weird thing is though, mentally, I haven’t really been doing much better. In fact, I have had a few suicidal thoughts, and have been really low. I have also managed to muck up my sleep routine, going to sleep really late and waking up really late. Aka sleeping through most of the day.

Its quite weird, since taking doxepin for sleep, I have noticed that it takes a lot longer to fall asleep, and at no point do I actually feel sedated. I think that’s a good thing though, it feels like a more natural sleep. However, every morning, I wake up really early, briefly, depending on when I took the meds, but around 6 am. But I do not want to be awake at 6 am because, well… I would have to be “alive” for much much longer! So I go back to sleep, and end up waking up at 3 pm ish, Give or take 3 hours.

I feel quite lazy, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. Anxiety also kicks in if I try and do anything. I have not been out of the house by myself at all for the last 2 weeks. I have skipped all of my appointments because I chickened out/ slept through.

However, I have been out, if I get picked up and taken somewhere by a close friend. So in the last 2 weeks I have been to church, out to coffee, the supermarket, walked the dog, and out to a concert – all with friends. I think that’s enough bravery for me.

Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been self harming, because I was needing to severely self harm in order to go out by myself. And since I haven’t been out by myself, I haven’t self harmed!

On another note, my bedroom has become so messy that it is too overwhelming to tidy now. I don’t know what I am going to do. It makes me feel really stressed looking at it, but then it makes me feel even more stressed when I think about tidying it. I need it to miraculously clean and tidy itself 😛 hehehe.

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Dear Headache. Please leave.

I’ve had a terrible headache starting yesterday afternoon, and it wouldn’t go away with ipbrofen and paracetemol. It lasted all night and consequently I had a pretty crappy sleep. But I still have it! And its really starting to get on my nerves, because I cant figure out why I have it – I haven’t fainted and hit my head recently, I have already withdrawn from coffee, and it wont go away with regular painkillers!

So I’m feeling pretty lousy today, I need a shower, but I can’t be bothered, don’t feel like eating, feeling nauseated because of this headache, and the back of my eyes hurt. Rarrr. Plus, I have a sore jaw on one side, which feels like it might dislocate itself if I am not careful.

Oh and my new sleeping pill to replace the other ones that have stopped working? Even worse. Didn’t feel sedated at all and had a really bad sleep.

I’m going out with a friend soon, and I am feeling a tad nervous about it, because… ya know, general anxiety about going out into the real world. But shes a very close friend so hopefully it will be ok. We are apparently going with her little boy to see a robot dinosaur.. whatever that is. Sounds like a laugh anyway.

I’m sorry to all my readers who have left comments that I haven’t got around to reading yet – Its feeling a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I will read and reply when I am in a better state of mind. I promise 🙂

Better go get myself ready. Love ya and leave you all 🙂

Psychiatrist visit, and update

I’ve had a break from my blog for a few days, while I was recuperating at a family members place, because I had a cold! So Im very sorry for the lack of posts!

I spent the weekend resting, and crocheting, while spending some lovely family time, which was nice. I came back home on monday afternoon, and slouched in bed, feeling better physically, but really flat and miserable as well. So I rung up my mummy dearest and had a chat, which held off the urge to self harm.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up feeling really strange, like an out of body experience.. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was really weird. Plus, I had to go out into town to a psychiatrist appointment, which of course I was really anxious about – so to facilitate that being able to happen – I cut myself. Problem was, I was only planning on doing a small cut, just enough to be able to lessen my anxiety about going out. But I ended up doing a fairly large one again, which I will have to suture up later sigh.

The psychiatrist appointment went well, I remembered to ask about all the things I needed to ask about. Also managed to get some of my medications changed, so that I can hopefully have a better sleep! Yay! Though, I feel like I am on SO many meds  now!

I actually quite like my psychiatrist, she treats me like a real person, with genuine motives, unlike a lot of psychiatrists. She lets me help decide what medications to be on, and shows me the charts with side effect comparisons etc – Which I value. I like it when I’m not treated like a complete imbecile!

On another note completely, I bought yum stuff at the grocery store, and I am going to make a banana split later 🙂

Night one… Kill me already!

Night one with no sleepy meds for me. It’s gonna be hell!

I am just not tired. Well that’s not 100% true – I’m tired as heck, but not at all sleepy. 

I have a feeling I’m going to suffer a few sleepless nights. Seeing as I have quite a few important morning things scheduled this week, it looks like I will have to start my sleep cycle program next week. Which means, for now, I still need some sleep at night.

Please?

10 ways to tell if you are allergic to gravity!

Today is a POTSie day

You are probably thinking – What on earth is POTSie? Well, fair question. It’s a bit of a slang term commonly used by those of us lucky enough to be allergic to gravity – or standing up! POTS – aka Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is a chronic autonomic condition that I have to fight everyday. 

So, here’s 10 ways to tell if you are allergic to gravity:

  1. You feel like you have been running a marathon all day. All day yesterday too. And the day before that…tired
  2. You randomly feel the need to sit down in the middle of the supermarket, on the street,or anywhere else for that matter (insert embarrassing place here)
  3. You have a love hate relationship with exercise… well, mostly hate. Lets be honest people. After 2 minutes, this is you:

gym

 

  4.  You need to drink an entire swimming pool a day to even vaguely survive!

  5.  Salty food is your best friend, and you regularly get disapproving looks from others when salting your food…

  6.  Sometimes you feel like this man here:

pill man

  7. The floor is your best friend:

fall

  8. Sleep is your second best friend… when you can catch him

sleep

 

  9. Your heart rate could be likened to the speed of a Springbok

springbok

  10. You’re not a quitter!!

 

Keep hanging in there my fellow POTsies!!

(I was sitting here feeling pretty yuk, so I thought I would pop on my heart rate monitor. Aaaaand sure enough, my heart rate is being screwy! 100 sitting… 150 standing sigh.)

 

An Important Mental Health Turning Point For All!

Girl Interrupted – What a fabulous movie!

girl interrupted

I found myself relating quite a bit to it actually. And then there was the comparing – comparing it to my experiences of the psych wards I’ve been in. I also noticed that I had quite a bit of stereotypical thinking about it all. Well, before I watched it anyway. 

I had in my mind that a mental hospital back in the 60’s would be horrific and dark, with poor staffing, and unfair treatments, lobotomies and shock therapies (I know ECT is still used these days with good results… but i was thinking the less ethical and humane kind). But to my surprise, it was more similar to my experiences than I had thought. It seemed to be a cross between my residential treatment at a private psych hospital, and the acute mental health units I’ve been in.

In this movie, the main character Suzanna ends up acting crazier than she was at the beginning just because she was already classed as crazy, and locked in with a whole lot of other crazies. I could totally relate to this… the reasoning goes something like this – ‘I’m already stuck under the crazy basket, being my normal self or trying to be normal isn’t getting me outta here, so I might as well let it all loose. be as crazy as I want to’. 

turning point

That my friends is a very important turning point for anyone in a psychiatric hospital. That point can go one of two ways:

  1. You become highly institutionalised, live up to your disorder, get sicker, and more dependent on the hospital system to regulate your emotions. Aka, you become crazier. Now this is easy to do, because usually, just prior to this point, you are at the I really really wanna get outta here stage. When you realise that actually that’s not in your control, and they are going to hold you there whether you like it or not – your reaction is well screw you! You say im crazy? Im gonna be REALLY crazy, that will teach you! 
  2. The other option of course though, Is to work the system, and actually do what they want you to do – which is essentially get healthy. So you work like mad to check all the boxes until they are satisfied, and you get out of there.

Now obviously, the second choice sounds like the much more reasonable course of action. But, it also depends on what the philosophy of the hospital is, and whether succumbing to that will actually be good for you or not.

The private hospital I went to was like a cult, and they just inserted negative thinking into your mind, and went completely against modern medical standards of treating mental health. Infact, there is a facebook support group for people who have left this place more damaged than they went in, and the amount of people who are in this situation because of this place is sickening!

conform

Basically they worked off a ‘shame based therapy’ model – so they make you feel SOOOO bad about yourself and your “bad behavior” that you would eventually try to be as good as possible and follow by their rules so that you didn’t get hurt. Its not just me who feels this way about what they do to you there, theres LOADS. 

So anyway, If you are an inpatient in hospital, and feel like you might reach this point, please please please think long and hard about where to from here. Even if the hospital you are at was like mine, I still recommend just trying to be good to get out of there and then finding some different form of help. Or do the work (if its a good place) and fully get better. Because the other option? Its only going to lead to wasting years and years of your life being the sick person who spends the majority of their time in hospitals. You may even end up in prison. And you WILL regret wasting that time. 

regrets

Anyway, I’m all drugged up and probably won’t make much sense if I continue writing, so I will see you all tomorrow!!

wpid-20140826_222126.jpg I feel like I have far too much medication sometimes… this is just my evening stuff!

A year in review..

So I’ve been slack. Very slack. I’ve just read my last post and its nearly a year old! So whats been happening since then? A LOT! Infact, its such a lot that I don’t even know where to start! So from my last post, my mental state started deteriorating… I had a rather large psych assessment in which I had to divulge a lot of past trauma stuff in detail – the whole thing lasted nearly 5 hours! So after that, I started having much worse symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, and everything went quickly downhill. I then ended up quite suicidal and started cutting again

.hate hospitals

 

Shortly after the self harm episodes I ended up kidnapped by my team and whisked into hospital under the mental health act. I was not impressed. But at this stage (having never been in a psych ward before) I was terrified mostly. I was under the assumption however that I would get out within a week tops! They started me off in the unlocked side, but then after a few days I was self harming again and they didn’t like that very much. So the psychiatrist decided to transfer me to the locked unit (damnit). I really HATED having no control over myself and things escalated pretty quickly – I got really sneaky and managed to get blades in, and managed to find ways to hide them really really well. My self harm became more and more serious requiring lots and lots of stitches on many occasions. They tried to get my blades off me by doing room searches, but they usually couldn’t find them. As the self harm was becoming a huge problem, I was put on a one on one watch for a large part of the time. I hated this most of all, they had to watch me use the bathroom, shower, sleep – everything! Some of the watchers were nice, and i got on well with them, other were horrible and just stared at me and told me off.

Now by this stage i was discovering that if i didn’t have control, then i got very sneaky and broke almost every rule i possibly could, just to feel in control of myself again. Usually I would never self harm when there was a chance of someone catching me. But on a watch, I never had that time to myself. So I would end up trying to self harm under the blankets etc – they would usually catch me or figure it out and on occasions, when it was severe, I had to be restrained. One time, I must have been doing this, (I don’t remember very clearly, i dissociated significantly – but i heard about it) and it took about 6 staff members to fully restrain me on the ground and drag me off to the ICU section. It must have been really triggering for me because apparently the next day i woke thinking i was 7 years old and had NO idea where i was or how I got there, or what was going on. I apparently wrote a letter in that state, but they wouldn’t let me read it later because of its content. I had gone truly whacko! But when they moved me back to my usual room it started coming back to me. Whew!

On several occasions i managed to escape and run away. Now I recount all of this in a light way, but I was very very sick at the time and it was not at all funny for me or my poor friends. But I really was quite sneaky. Once I scaled a 3 meter wall to get out. The staff told me later that they were watching it on the security tapes and it was quite an amazing set of skills! That particular escape didn’t last too long for me, as i had had strong meds just prior, and after getting more blades and self harming, I ended up passed out on the street and someone called an ambulance. On other occasions though I managed to be free for hours and hours, running up through bush areas where i thought no one could find me. Those times I was eventually captured by police, nearly tazered, and forced to the ground where they then put handcuffs on me, read me my rights and then took me back to hospital. 

psych-ward

Time went on, and I eventually started to get a smidgen better. They wanted to send me to a private psychiatric hospital in a different city, that focused on long term recovery. So when I was stable enough to go, (3 months later) I was taken down there by a nurse and started my next leg of hospital stay. I cannot stress enough how AWFUL this place was. It was a course of tough love! It was all group work, and they would not tolerate any “bad behavior” so  they would publicly reprimand you and all the other patients would chime in with staff and tell you they were angry with you etc etc. This happened a lot until you were SO TERRIFIED of doing anything remotely wrong, that you learnt to keep everything bottled up and put on a happy face. They gave me a huge scary male therapist that looked exactly like someone who had abused me in the past, and refused to give me a different one. Even though I asked and petitioned and begged for months. So i just refused to go see him because I was not getting any good out of it. So no individual therapy for me, and the rest was all group stuff where people would consistently criticize you. And that was encouraged.

bad behavior

 

I didn’t find this place very useful, and I really really wanted to go home. But they wouldn’t let me. I was still under the mental health act and they also wouldn’t take me off. So I was stuck there. After about 4 months I decided to fake it till i made it, and be the super good girl they wanted me to be and managed to “behave”. I begged and begged to be allowed to discharge. Finally, begrudgingly they let me after 5 months. Now this was quite an accomplishment, seeing as they usually like to keep people for 2 years on average, and I was one that they had suggested stay that long. So on the 4th of July – independence day – I finally got my independence back and was able to move back to where I usually live, except in a nice new flat with new flatmates etc. 

Ive been in my new flat for a month and a half (wow it feels longer). I have lovely flatmates, and the location is great. Im now under a general mental health team (not the eating disorder service) and my case managers quite nice. Although shes going away for 6 weeks as of today. Ive been majorly up and down since being back, but Im so so so grateful to not be in hospital! I managed quite well for a bit, and wasn’t self harming, but things have started slipping again. Oh well. My main objective is to not end up in hospital again. I had a close run in the other day because I rung a heath line to check whether i needed stitches or not and that person rung the police and an ambulance without telling me and i got dragged off to ED. Where they wouldn’t let me go till my usual team came to see me the next morning. 

So since then, I decided i need to take care of my own wounds, and so I bought suturing equipment (sutures, forceps, needle holder and scissors) and taught myself how to suture. Tonight was the first night I self harmed since getting the equipment, and so I am quite proud of my efforts at stitching myself up. I think i did a pretty pro job. I kept everything as sterile as I could and Im already on antibiotics, so risk of infection is low. Im feeling much better mentally now and super stoked that I didn’t need to have any other medical care. BOOM!

freedom

I will try and update this blog more regularly from now on, I have a feeling im going to need it to survive the next few months. Especially with my mental health worker being away, my friends being sick of me being sick and me not wanting to end up in hospital. So this shall resume as my rant space as I have to keep everything hidden, whilst staying sane!

I hope someone reads this… If you do, please comment to say hi! I love my readers 🙂 

Day one

Image

So today is day one of my fasting. Ive not at all been hungry, and mostly feeling really good apart from headache and nausea from my concussion. I  woke up at about 8 and forced myself to go back to sleep till 10 – got up and scootered down the hill to catch the bus to get to therapy. So another 45 mins later the bus arrives, and I get to the waiting room, to find that the receptionist is on the phone… and she remains so for 15 mins… so my therapist doesnt know im waiting, and probably thinks im a slacker and am late! 
In therapy we practiced mindfulness – but this time instead of focusing on the breath, we were focusing on an object. I was super good at it, and didn’t get distracted at all. 😀 Yay for small wins! But before we did that, she opened my sensitive claim from when i was a kid, and i also got sent one to my house – it talks about all the abuse and counselling i had when i was a kid. It really upset me. Ive been at home in tears for the last hour over it. 
Im going to use it as motivation to not eat though. No way hosea am i going to eat. I just watched super skinny me on youtube, and now i feel the need to go out and exercise for 2 hours, and i feel bad for being in bed! I did scooter for about 45 mins today though so theres some solace. The problem is, i really want to exercise, i have the energy to for once, BUT im not allowed to! 😦 How important is it with a concussion not to exercise anyway?? I think i will just get back into it anyway. i cant handle not exercising. Plus, my metabolism is going to slow down majorly if i dont. so i have to right?? 
Another question – how important is it to take anti inflammatory pain killers or paracetamol with food? Because my headache is killing me, but im not going to eat. can i still take my meds?

Day 1 is so boring, i wish it was day 14 right now, because then i will feel a sense of achievement and awesomeness. Day 40 will be even better, but i bet i will be feeling so sick. I dont even care if my heart fails along the way. as long as i get skinny. Besides, so many people have managed 40 day fasts without ending up in hospital, so i am determined to not be pathetic, and just get over myself. I do not want another ED trip where a doctor says there is nothing wrong with me go away (how embarrassing!) – that was from pots though, not eating stuff, and the doctor did not know anything about it.

Right, im seriously rambling now. So i had better stop.

Luv ya all xx

Night at ED

Last night was SO embarrassing!! I told my mum about my arm, because i was slightly worried that i had broken it. So she took me to ED… which was really embarrassing because all of the staff were like – why are you coming now, if you did this a week ago?? Also, mum decided to invite my best friend – so i couldnt exactly tell them the truth either, had to make it sound like an accident (fell on the table edge) and so they were baffled as to the extent of the bruising, as it covers pretty much my whole arm. Anyway, we had to wait for aaaaaaaages because i really wasnt that serious. At midnight it finally got xrayed – and its not broken. Which is good, but it did make me feel very very silly.
Mum has given me the ultimatum – stop harming yourself, or youre not going to X city. So ive made a resolve for myself to stop. Ive never quite come to this conclusion as of yet. It feels like improvement. I want to stop.

Started feeling low and miserable today, last night was having some suicidal thoughts. Not sure if thats due to the meds or just due to me being depressed full stop. I think because im on such a low dose,it wont be affecting me yet. Speaking of which – i forgot to take it the other day… whoops.

I feel like such a bad person. My mother keeps telling me so, so it must be true right?
I just dont feel like living right now.

Tomorrow i am to be bombarded with mental health professionals… psychiatrist in the morning and ACC psychologist assessment in the avo. Wish me strength of mind peoples!

Medication issues

So basically M conferred with three psychiatrists, and the conclusion is that i am to stop the escilatopram (antidepressant) because its making me worse. They are also faxing through a prescription for more quetiapine so that i can have up to 3 half pills during the day to stop me having bad thoughts/anxiety. Good news right? Im still a little weary of being on quetiapine – as its actually an anti psychotic!! I am definitely NOT psychotic. And im not sure i want to be on mind numbing pills… but i guess for now it keeps me alive. I read that it makes you put on weight *terrifying* … lets hope i dont need it for long!
Feeling so dizzy *please body, dont faint on me* and ive just realised that all ive had today was a banana for beeakfast, and now 4 heads of broccoli. Even my chai latte was hard to get down. I feel so sick!! Im not even trying to starve, i just feel ill to the point where food is a no-go today. Sigh…. ill get there eventually

Oh, and found out today i actually have complex ptsd, not just the usual ptsd. My brain is combining the flashbacks and whatnot of my accident AND the sexual abuse i went through as a kid. I dont want to think about that side of things. But my brain is forcing it upon me! Nooooooo