So I’ve been slack. Very slack. I’ve just read my last post and its nearly a year old! So whats been happening since then? A LOT! Infact, its such a lot that I don’t even know where to start! So from my last post, my mental state started deteriorating… I had a rather large psych assessment in which I had to divulge a lot of past trauma stuff in detail – the whole thing lasted nearly 5 hours! So after that, I started having much worse symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, and everything went quickly downhill. I then ended up quite suicidal and started cutting again
Shortly after the self harm episodes I ended up kidnapped by my team and whisked into hospital under the mental health act. I was not impressed. But at this stage (having never been in a psych ward before) I was terrified mostly. I was under the assumption however that I would get out within a week tops! They started me off in the unlocked side, but then after a few days I was self harming again and they didn’t like that very much. So the psychiatrist decided to transfer me to the locked unit (damnit). I really HATED having no control over myself and things escalated pretty quickly – I got really sneaky and managed to get blades in, and managed to find ways to hide them really really well. My self harm became more and more serious requiring lots and lots of stitches on many occasions. They tried to get my blades off me by doing room searches, but they usually couldn’t find them. As the self harm was becoming a huge problem, I was put on a one on one watch for a large part of the time. I hated this most of all, they had to watch me use the bathroom, shower, sleep – everything! Some of the watchers were nice, and i got on well with them, other were horrible and just stared at me and told me off.
Now by this stage i was discovering that if i didn’t have control, then i got very sneaky and broke almost every rule i possibly could, just to feel in control of myself again. Usually I would never self harm when there was a chance of someone catching me. But on a watch, I never had that time to myself. So I would end up trying to self harm under the blankets etc – they would usually catch me or figure it out and on occasions, when it was severe, I had to be restrained. One time, I must have been doing this, (I don’t remember very clearly, i dissociated significantly – but i heard about it) and it took about 6 staff members to fully restrain me on the ground and drag me off to the ICU section. It must have been really triggering for me because apparently the next day i woke thinking i was 7 years old and had NO idea where i was or how I got there, or what was going on. I apparently wrote a letter in that state, but they wouldn’t let me read it later because of its content. I had gone truly whacko! But when they moved me back to my usual room it started coming back to me. Whew!
On several occasions i managed to escape and run away. Now I recount all of this in a light way, but I was very very sick at the time and it was not at all funny for me or my poor friends. But I really was quite sneaky. Once I scaled a 3 meter wall to get out. The staff told me later that they were watching it on the security tapes and it was quite an amazing set of skills! That particular escape didn’t last too long for me, as i had had strong meds just prior, and after getting more blades and self harming, I ended up passed out on the street and someone called an ambulance. On other occasions though I managed to be free for hours and hours, running up through bush areas where i thought no one could find me. Those times I was eventually captured by police, nearly tazered, and forced to the ground where they then put handcuffs on me, read me my rights and then took me back to hospital.
Time went on, and I eventually started to get a smidgen better. They wanted to send me to a private psychiatric hospital in a different city, that focused on long term recovery. So when I was stable enough to go, (3 months later) I was taken down there by a nurse and started my next leg of hospital stay. I cannot stress enough how AWFUL this place was. It was a course of tough love! It was all group work, and they would not tolerate any “bad behavior” so they would publicly reprimand you and all the other patients would chime in with staff and tell you they were angry with you etc etc. This happened a lot until you were SO TERRIFIED of doing anything remotely wrong, that you learnt to keep everything bottled up and put on a happy face. They gave me a huge scary male therapist that looked exactly like someone who had abused me in the past, and refused to give me a different one. Even though I asked and petitioned and begged for months. So i just refused to go see him because I was not getting any good out of it. So no individual therapy for me, and the rest was all group stuff where people would consistently criticize you. And that was encouraged.
I didn’t find this place very useful, and I really really wanted to go home. But they wouldn’t let me. I was still under the mental health act and they also wouldn’t take me off. So I was stuck there. After about 4 months I decided to fake it till i made it, and be the super good girl they wanted me to be and managed to “behave”. I begged and begged to be allowed to discharge. Finally, begrudgingly they let me after 5 months. Now this was quite an accomplishment, seeing as they usually like to keep people for 2 years on average, and I was one that they had suggested stay that long. So on the 4th of July – independence day – I finally got my independence back and was able to move back to where I usually live, except in a nice new flat with new flatmates etc.
Ive been in my new flat for a month and a half (wow it feels longer). I have lovely flatmates, and the location is great. Im now under a general mental health team (not the eating disorder service) and my case managers quite nice. Although shes going away for 6 weeks as of today. Ive been majorly up and down since being back, but Im so so so grateful to not be in hospital! I managed quite well for a bit, and wasn’t self harming, but things have started slipping again. Oh well. My main objective is to not end up in hospital again. I had a close run in the other day because I rung a heath line to check whether i needed stitches or not and that person rung the police and an ambulance without telling me and i got dragged off to ED. Where they wouldn’t let me go till my usual team came to see me the next morning.
So since then, I decided i need to take care of my own wounds, and so I bought suturing equipment (sutures, forceps, needle holder and scissors) and taught myself how to suture. Tonight was the first night I self harmed since getting the equipment, and so I am quite proud of my efforts at stitching myself up. I think i did a pretty pro job. I kept everything as sterile as I could and Im already on antibiotics, so risk of infection is low. Im feeling much better mentally now and super stoked that I didn’t need to have any other medical care. BOOM!
I will try and update this blog more regularly from now on, I have a feeling im going to need it to survive the next few months. Especially with my mental health worker being away, my friends being sick of me being sick and me not wanting to end up in hospital. So this shall resume as my rant space as I have to keep everything hidden, whilst staying sane!
I hope someone reads this… If you do, please comment to say hi! I love my readers 🙂