What goes up must come down..

So you know how I said I was having a good day? Well not anymore. Of course there has to be at least one bad thing to bring it all crashing down.

I get a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognise.. I hum and har for a few seconds before deciding to answer anyway. It turns out it was someone from the organisation that I really want to volunteer for. I completed and got through the loong 3 week intensive selection process, but it was conditional on my police check coming back ok. They said it was taking a long time. Now this, i found out a week or two ago – which was exciting! 

So tonight he rings me and says they need to meet with me tomorrow for an hour to discuss my police check which had just come back. So now I’m freaking out!! I don’t have any kind of criminal record whatsoever, so it must be mental health stuff that’s on there. I’m still under the mental health act – although under a community treatment order. So maybe that’s what appeared? Or could it be from the times that I’ve run away from hospitals and had to be brought back forcefully by the police? 

I was under the impression that your mental health stuff doesn’t go on those police checks! So what, now all potential future employers will find out that I’m a crazy lady and I will never get a job! I feel like such a failure at life, and my past keeps screwing up my future. It really makes me want to give up. Don’t worry, I won’t.. its just disheartening.

And just to hammer the nails into my own coffin – I ended up self harming again, and suturing myself up. I almost considered going to the emergency department, because I think I cut right through a vein and it bled and bled and bled to the rhythm of my heart beat for hours. But it turned out ok in the end.

I have a check up with my GP (general practitioner) tomorrow, and I’m quite nervous, but it will also be good to talk to someone about stuff, especially as my social worker at mental health is away.

Helicopters freak me out :/

I have a lot of PTSD triggers… but many of them i can cope with much better these days. But not helicopters. 

I’ve seen/ heard quite a few rescue helicopters today and ive been on the verge of a panic attack. I went to find a picture of one for this post, but after a few seconds, i freaked out and couldn’t cope. I nearly started screaming. 

How pathetic is this?? 

Today I had a break from my brain! + Cool Elephants!

Today was nice. Just one of those feel good days. Just nice. 

I had a break from my brain… I seemed to be relatively calm most of the day, I also didn’t feel too physically ill! The odd intrusive thought came by, which stressed me if i let myself dwell on it – so i tried not to, and just live in the moment instead.

Now often when I try and do this, it doesn’t work, and I feel anxious anyway. But not today, it was quite novel actually! So what did I get up to? I got up, did the dishes with my flattie, then got ready to go out on my voluntary Bible work.

We went round visiting people who had previously shown an interest. We spent some time with a lovely older lady and had a long chat about many things. As we were leaving I spotted that she had a really cool display of little elephants! So I asked her about it, and each little elephant had a story behind it, from a different country. One of them – the big black one was sent over by a relative who had gone away in world war II when he first arrived overseas. He became a prisoner of war, so she didn’t see him again for another 5 years. So this elephant was a special reminder of him. It was quite special. I felt honoured to hear this story. I was so fascinated by these elephants, so I asked her if i could take some photos, to which she agreed 🙂

 

 

I also enjoyed spending time with the two lovelies who took me out with them. I felt safe. And then we got some super yum coffee! 

Lets hope the anxiety doesn’t catch up with me later on. For now, Im just stoked that Ive had a relatively panic free day 🙂

My love/hate relationship with sleep, and the joys of complex PTSD

I am so incredibly tired… so why am I resisting sleep?? Sleep is beautiful, and if im particularly lucky, I have no dreams. Those night… true bliss, feeling nothing at all, being at peace. Is that what its like to be dead? I know the Bible states that the dead are conscious of nothing at all, so I presume so. The rest of the time, my sleep is riddled with nightmares and I end up waking panic stricken, brought back in time by horrendous memories, things that my mind WONT let me forget! I wake, my heart is beating loud and fast, and i feel like its happening over and over again. No kidding, I am literally frozen with fear, even though a tiny little part of my brain is telling me that im safe – the rest of it is screaming. I hate this. Two different events come back to terrorise me, which will it be tonight?
Is it any wonder I want to be at rest? Is that so wrong?