Tag Archives: parents

Stress/Trigger Overload

Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.

Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.

And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.

One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.

Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!

How am I going to manage all this??!

Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.

What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.

So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!

Someone please give me some ideas!!

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Calling the Parentals…

I just talked to mum on the phone for ages. Shes kinda freaking out a little about my state:

  • Too anxious to leave my bedroom
  • Too anxious to feed myself – apparently surviving off coffee, more coffee, and toast doesn’t count? Who would have known!
  • Missing important appointments and not realising, because I’m just consumed with my anxiety/fatigue
  • Not getting out of bed/not showering/not really functioning..
  • Self harming
  • Going from talking really fast non stop one day to being miserable and crying the next

There’s probably more I am forgetting. But I didn’t really put two and two together and realise, actually how low functioning I am at the moment!?

Then she started telling me that it wasn’t acceptable and that I should just pray more and I would be better. Sorry mum, but I’m already doing that quite a bit, and I’m not saying that it doesn’t help it does , but I still have crippling anxiety and self harm behavior. It’s not really a matter of, just try harder. It doesn’t really work like that!

So I’m feeling pretty miserable right now. Like a complete baddie failure at life. I also need to get up in the morning unfortunately. And I’m already freaking out about having to go out. 

If I’m this bad after two weeks of no mental health support… how am I going to manage the next 6 on my own???!

Cheesecake, cake, biscuits, finger food food FOOD

I am terrified. I have already eaten FAR too much today – 1 biscuit (85cal) and 2 pieces of ciabatta bread with vegemite, no marg (nearly 200cal!) And tonight, its my leaving party, which my friends decided to make vegan food only. Everyone has to bring something vegan. This scares the heck out of me, as i am going to have no excuse for not eating, and infact, peope will be offended if i dont eat what they especially made for me! So I am going to have to eat lots and hope like heck i can purge afterwards! I am deffinitely going to take a whole lot of laxatives tonight, but it still means the sugar and what not has gone into my system. This is incredibly scary! Im worried I will have a panic attack or something.
So I have made a humongous baked vegan cheesecake – lemon with blueberry topping. It will be really nice. At least vegan versions of things dont have half as many calories as the real thing!! Its made of tofu (I know this sounds gross but its not) instead of cream cheese so its a lot healthier. But still.
Mum is making chocolate almond and hazelnut brittle, caramel popcorn and a chocolate cake. Eeek. At least i dont have to offend mum by not eating her food – because she is vegan too, its not a special effort for me.
We took it upon ourselves to do desserts as we thought that others might be too scared to attempt a vegan dessert, I think most people are bringing main course stuff. Looking forward to the sushi. Sushi is one of my safe foods. Ish.
Wish me luck… i feel like crying just at the thought of tonight. How bad is that ??Its my leaving party i should be having a great time! I wish Janna wasnt invited, she will be screaming at me the whole time.

Concert

The concert last night went ok, I actually changed my mind and decided i should eat, but then I couldnt get my hands on any food! I managed to grab a licorice stick and ate it on stage… very slowly and inconspicuously. It took me about 2 hours to finish it -_-. Then mum made me eat when i got home as well!!! I feel like such a fat pig. And this morning, I woke up dreaming of these muffins i want to make with tamarillo and oranges etc. I was figuring out how to make a nice vegan version -especially the icing. But then Janna shut that thought down quick. “If you make them, you will eat them, and you cant do that, you fat pig! How dare you even think of being that selfish“. So i now am not going to make the muffins. She is right,if i make them i will want to eat them… and eat them and eat them. And that might turn into a binge and i will hate myself. Gotta protect myself.
Im feeling really depressed now, and im not sure why. I think im scared by this next week, as i wont have band practices and i wont have as many opportunities to not eat. Im scared that my determination is waning. Maybe i need to fast again? That would give me solid determination, and make me lose weight quicker.. but i know that i wont be able to get away with it. I have too many nights that i will have to eat with my family.
Today I am especially scared of. Im feeling hungry because of last nights eating, which is bad! It means i might eat more than I should! And its sunday, and mums around, trying to make me eat. Whats the bet I will have to eat lunch AND dinner! Oh please help me. Im so scared

Night at ED

Last night was SO embarrassing!! I told my mum about my arm, because i was slightly worried that i had broken it. So she took me to ED… which was really embarrassing because all of the staff were like – why are you coming now, if you did this a week ago?? Also, mum decided to invite my best friend – so i couldnt exactly tell them the truth either, had to make it sound like an accident (fell on the table edge) and so they were baffled as to the extent of the bruising, as it covers pretty much my whole arm. Anyway, we had to wait for aaaaaaaages because i really wasnt that serious. At midnight it finally got xrayed – and its not broken. Which is good, but it did make me feel very very silly.
Mum has given me the ultimatum – stop harming yourself, or youre not going to X city. So ive made a resolve for myself to stop. Ive never quite come to this conclusion as of yet. It feels like improvement. I want to stop.

Started feeling low and miserable today, last night was having some suicidal thoughts. Not sure if thats due to the meds or just due to me being depressed full stop. I think because im on such a low dose,it wont be affecting me yet. Speaking of which – i forgot to take it the other day… whoops.

I feel like such a bad person. My mother keeps telling me so, so it must be true right?
I just dont feel like living right now.

Tomorrow i am to be bombarded with mental health professionals… psychiatrist in the morning and ACC psychologist assessment in the avo. Wish me strength of mind peoples!

I feel numb

Im tired, have no energy and i feel emotionally numb. An exhausted robot perhaps? Its like im just moving through life without really being here. I cant be bothered doing anything really. This is where self harming comes into play. I want to feel something, i love the feeling of pain, its so alive!

First day on sertraline – im anxiously waiting to see if i react to it aswell. This also means mum is on high alert, and has given my 15 year old brother instructions to watch for symptoms of overdose etc etc. She even has what to do written up on the fridge!! How embarassing! I would prefer it if noone knew. Sigh

Broken arm??

My appologies for the lack of posts today, my arm has been so sore that typing was a bit much. I am starting to wonder if I have broken my arm… anyone got any great advice here? If i go to ED tomorrow, do i tell them exactly what i did (eg – bash it multiple times on a table), or tell them i tripped and fell on my arm? Would they be able to tell? I don‘t like lying, but im not sure i‘d like to be treated like a psycho either. The other problem then is, how do i expain to my mum what had happened, and where i was ALL day? I particularly dont like lying to her, but she would be devastated and very angry if she knew the truth (especially if it was broken)! What are the dangers of leaving it untreated if it is broken? Anything i should particularly know about? Because thats probably the option I will be going for, knowing me.
The other thing im afraid of is doctors telling me its just a bruise and that im just being a wuss. I know full well it could just be a bruise, but I want to be sure i dont screw myself up.

Heres the description of my arm for all you smarty pants out there willing to help me:image

-Swollen
-Lumpy along the bone (swelling related?)
-Very painful – especially twisting my wrist, lifting, even just pulling up my sleeve is be quite bad, moving it at all (dont get me wrong, i do actually like the pain, im just describing it)
-Hot around area of bruising

Thank you all very muchly in advance 😛

The cat shot out of the bag without my permission!

Mum found out yeterday about my cutting. I am so miserable right now, I dont know if im still allowed to leave home or not anymore. Im even more depressed – so now the cats half out of the bag, should i admit defeat and go to hospital? She doesnt know about my suicidal mindset. I put the cutting down to ptsd. She was SO ANGRY! From what she was saying, I gather that thoughts of suicide is the worst thing i could possibly do to her, I am such a BAD person… rant rant..
I think at this point, Im possibly still allowed to leave home but she will be worried as heck. If I tell her the rest of the shebang, I probably wont be able to leave. I know i need hospital, but how can i get around telling her about my suicidal ideation? How can i make it sound like a positive thing, in that ill be so much better equipped to leave home afterwards without her thinking “heck! BtS is so sick that she has to be hospitalised! No way is she leaving home!“.
I feel so stuck.

Parental guidance – a birds eye view

Parental guidance:image

1. Pay me all your money and dont ask for any support Training you for adulthood.

2. You cut yourself?? *#¥# off and go commit suicide then!!  Stupid mornon Supporting you through tough times

3. You are going to make a complete embarassment of yourself Helping you reach your goals

4. Checking all the messages on your phone Ensuring you are associating with wholesome people

5. Waking you up at 7.00 am on weekends Helping you attain healthful routines

6. You look like a suburban slut in that dress Guiding you in decision making

7. Telling EVERYONE all of your issues Building a support system

8. I hope youre not txting a BOY! Giving advice on relationship issues

9. Dont have sex, all men are horrid The talk

10. BtS, youre to plan, budget and cook all the meals and make lunches for H and I from now on Teaching you life skills