Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.
Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.
And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.
One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.
Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!
How am I going to manage all this??!
Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.
What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.
So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!
Someone please give me some ideas!!