Tag Archives: self harm

Urgent Doctors. Silly doctors.

So annoying! I self harmed this morning, because I needed to go out to appointments and such, by myself. But I didn’t realise I had run out of suture material! So I had to ring up my doctors office and see if I could get an appointment. They had no doctors in, so they sent me to the urgent doctors instead.

I hate going anywhere to get stitched up, especially places like the urgent doctors or emergency department, because they don’t know me and immediately freak out about my mental state. The doctor tried to ask me a hundred questions about why I self harmed, whats been going on lately for me, am I feeling suicidal, was this cut a suicide attempt blah blah blah. All the while, I am trying to convince her that its all normal for me, the only reason I am here is that I ran out of sutures, that I saw my team today, and they know about my self harming etc etc. But she was still all panicky.

They rung the crisis team, but thankfully I didn’t have to see them or anything. Because that would have meant waiting for ages and ages all for a very pointless few words with them. I got let home as long as I put the crisis number in my phone in front of her. Whew.

It was relatively amusing after the doctor had finished suturing, and left the nurse to dress it. The nurse was amazed that all the other sutures in my legs had been done by me. She said “how did you learn how to suture so beautifully??!”, and after putting some steri strips on parts of the wound that were not completely held together by the sutures, she whispered – “I think you are way better at suturing than the doctor!”. I’m not gonna lie, it felt pretty good 😛

So anyway, after a very long and tiring, and to be honest quite stressful day – I am finally home. Completely had it, and ready to blob and watch The Big Bang Theory.

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Stress/Trigger Overload

Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.

Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.

And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.

One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.

Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!

How am I going to manage all this??!

Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.

What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.

So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!

Someone please give me some ideas!!

Guilt and Self punishment

Ive been feeling guilty about not self harming.. how messed up is that?? I haven’t self harmed in about 2 weeks – which is good right? So why do I feel so guilty about it? Almost like i have to self harm or else something bad might happen. Or I should be punishing myself for being a bad person. But I just have not felt like self harming.

The weird thing is though, mentally, I haven’t really been doing much better. In fact, I have had a few suicidal thoughts, and have been really low. I have also managed to muck up my sleep routine, going to sleep really late and waking up really late. Aka sleeping through most of the day.

Its quite weird, since taking doxepin for sleep, I have noticed that it takes a lot longer to fall asleep, and at no point do I actually feel sedated. I think that’s a good thing though, it feels like a more natural sleep. However, every morning, I wake up really early, briefly, depending on when I took the meds, but around 6 am. But I do not want to be awake at 6 am because, well… I would have to be “alive” for much much longer! So I go back to sleep, and end up waking up at 3 pm ish, Give or take 3 hours.

I feel quite lazy, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. Anxiety also kicks in if I try and do anything. I have not been out of the house by myself at all for the last 2 weeks. I have skipped all of my appointments because I chickened out/ slept through.

However, I have been out, if I get picked up and taken somewhere by a close friend. So in the last 2 weeks I have been to church, out to coffee, the supermarket, walked the dog, and out to a concert – all with friends. I think that’s enough bravery for me.

Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been self harming, because I was needing to severely self harm in order to go out by myself. And since I haven’t been out by myself, I haven’t self harmed!

On another note, my bedroom has become so messy that it is too overwhelming to tidy now. I don’t know what I am going to do. It makes me feel really stressed looking at it, but then it makes me feel even more stressed when I think about tidying it. I need it to miraculously clean and tidy itself 😛 hehehe.

Feeling frustrated with my own failure

So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.

Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse). 

Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.

Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!

It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.

I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.

The world is a scary place!

I am a tad hesitant to blog about this… but it’s all caught up in my head, so I need to get it down.

I never usually keep up with world news, because I don’t watch TV, but lately I have come to hear about all this business with ISIS… With the recent scare here in Australia, where they found plans to capture random members of the public and behead them on camera in Sydney and Brisbane. Luckily, I’m in Melbourne, but still! Its scary what the world is coming to!

Are governments going to turn on all religion soon? We really need a better, world government. But humans can’t provide that in reality. This world is turning to shambles.

Last night I was having nightmares about this, and dreamt that a family I knew who had relocated to the middle east, were victims in this ethnic cleansing regime.

Anyway, I need to distract myself from this now, so I will tell you about my success yesterday! I managed to leave the house, by myself without self harming! Whoop whoop! I took the dog for a walk, up around the bush areas near my house. I discovered how unfit I am! But I am very proud of myself for managing it 🙂

Psychiatrist visit, and update

I’ve had a break from my blog for a few days, while I was recuperating at a family members place, because I had a cold! So Im very sorry for the lack of posts!

I spent the weekend resting, and crocheting, while spending some lovely family time, which was nice. I came back home on monday afternoon, and slouched in bed, feeling better physically, but really flat and miserable as well. So I rung up my mummy dearest and had a chat, which held off the urge to self harm.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up feeling really strange, like an out of body experience.. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was really weird. Plus, I had to go out into town to a psychiatrist appointment, which of course I was really anxious about – so to facilitate that being able to happen – I cut myself. Problem was, I was only planning on doing a small cut, just enough to be able to lessen my anxiety about going out. But I ended up doing a fairly large one again, which I will have to suture up later sigh.

The psychiatrist appointment went well, I remembered to ask about all the things I needed to ask about. Also managed to get some of my medications changed, so that I can hopefully have a better sleep! Yay! Though, I feel like I am on SO many meds  now!

I actually quite like my psychiatrist, she treats me like a real person, with genuine motives, unlike a lot of psychiatrists. She lets me help decide what medications to be on, and shows me the charts with side effect comparisons etc – Which I value. I like it when I’m not treated like a complete imbecile!

On another note completely, I bought yum stuff at the grocery store, and I am going to make a banana split later 🙂

I can see something you can’t! #Looking at my life from another perspective

Tonight I called mum, and she said I’ve climbed out of the pit and I’m much better. Now to any normal person, this sounds like a huge compliment, something to be proud of. Part of me is proud of it, and happy that she sees that. The other part of me is slightly annoyed, because I still feel pretty bad and I don’t think I am functioning very well. I think my fear is, that she will think i am lots better, and expect a lot from me. 

I expressed that concern to mum, and she assured me that she wouldn’t expect too much too soon. So that’s good. Although, we have different versions of whats too much or too little. Also, different views on where I am at mentally.

It’s like the Johari Window 

Johari window

This confusion is mostly my own fault, because I am either pretending to mum that I am better than I am, so that she wont totally freak out and come up here. Or I ring her in absolutely my worst states, out of complete desperation when things are really really bad. 

So it’s no wonder things are a mess!

Anyway, I have had a not too bad day – I went out to an appointment all by myself, came home and watched tv series and crocheted for the rest of the day to deal with my anxiety. There was a point where I was very tempted to self harm, but the fact that I was cocooned in my little nest I had set up, prevented me. It was just that bit too much more effort than I was prepared to put in, in order to self harm. So I am proud of myself for not giving in, but also for making it that bit less accessible, which put me off enough to stop me. 🙂

Righto my lovely readers, I will love you and leave you! Sorry If I am a bit slow to reply to your comments at the moment. I will get to them!

Vivid visions of my own demise???!

Today I woke up feeling grumpy with the world that I had to be alive. I tried to sleep for as long as possible to delay the living part of the day. A politician came to the door mid morning which woke me up, and I couldn’t get back to sleep after that, as I was kind of eaves dropping on my flatmate Kaitlyns conversation with him, while I lay in bed trying not to be anxious about it. 

grumpy poo

When I finally got up, i was in such a gloomy grump. But i made myself go and say hello to Kaitlyn, or else I would have spent the whole day in my room by myself, and probably would have made her feel like I was grumpy with her or something (which I wasn’t). Funnily enough I ended up hanging out with her pretty much all day watching Out-lander and doing my crochet. 

outlander

So I started cheering up a bit being around Kaitlyn, didn’t want to be a grumpy pants for her all day. Still had a lot of very intrusive thoughts though, which made it very hard to concentrate on the movie. I had to stop and ask what was going on so many times. But she was lovely and was happy to pause and explain it to me. She must think I am really dumb/ slow! 

I tell you, I am usually reasonably bright and able to comprehend things easily. But it feels like lately half of my brain power has been taken away from me. Its like a big fog in my mind. Either that state of blurry nothingness, or a rampant trail of intrusive negative thoughts and images, that I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get rid of.

technical difficulties

For instance, while watching the movie, about 5% of my brain power went into my crochet, 15% into the movie, and the remaining 80% was imagining my own gruesome death, or cutting major arteries, or watching my friends and families reactions after my death etc etc etc. It is so incredibly vivid, that I feel the emotions, imagining what it would feel like at every stage of my death. But then also, encompassing the raw emotions of the aftermath in the feelings of those who know me.

This kind of thinking goes on almost all the time for me. I have only just realised, that in reality, i spend pretty much 24/7 thinking about suicide. Or at least, major self harm.

over thinking

 

I imagine myself in the shower, cutting, and accidentally (or not so accidentally) hitting an artery. I watch the blood spurt up to the ceiling and make a right mess. I watch myself scream out to my flatmates to call an ambulance, whilst trying to control the bleeding, and failing. Trying to wrap a towel round myself, and then regretting calling out to my flatmates. I then imagine what would happen if i hadn’t called out to them, and picture myself crumpled naked in the shower, surrounded by my own blood. I see my flatmates knocking on the door, wondering who was in there. I watch them wait, impatiently, and then get concerned. It takes them over an hour before they go to the measure of trying to get in through the window. Then they see the horrible frightening scene, and totally panic, screaming, crying. 

At this point, i start feeling guilty, and then i feel embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing me naked. But the vision goes on. I jump to seeing the rest of my friends, and my family, absolutely distraught and very angry. I see them trying to make funeral arrangements, but nobody wants to take it, because it was a death by suicide. When they do finally find someone, they have to be very careful about the wording of the talk, because there’s no promises for those who commit the sin of self murder.

I could continue on, but I think I will stop there. 

stop

I got a letter in the mail, mid afternoon, and it pissed me off to no end. I read it, then in a moment of rage, furiously scrumpled it all up and threw it across the room. Giving Kaitlyn a heck of a fright. It was a letter from the hospital saying I had a cardiology appointment with this dumb arrogant doctor. The one who wrote to my psychiatrist and said that he doesn’t think anythings wrong with me, and that I don’t have POTS (which I was diagnosed with a year ago). Now in the letter to the psychiatrist, he said he wasn’t going to see me, nor was my POTS specialist, who also apparently now thinks i don’t have POTS and that I was just lying about stuff. I have actually never seen this cardiologist before, so i don’t know why he has now made an appointment to see me. I bet its to “explain” all of the correspondence and their thoughts about the POTS thing. Which will make me SO angry that its not funny. 

Even after just getting the appointment letter today, I was really angry. Still am! 

angry

So right now Im in a bad state, really really really feel like cutting my arm. Which for some reason feels preferable to my leg right now, as its a different kind of pain sensation that I’m after. But cutting my arm is no good, because I cant stitch up my own arm. So I would have to go to ED. Which totally sucks, and I really don’t want to spend the night there.

I think Kaitlyns worried that I might self harm, she keeps coming in and checking on me and saying “don’t do something stupid”. Which is the exact terminology I used to explain it to them the last time I cut my arm and had to be whisked off to hospital by ambulance. My flatmates don’t know that I have been self harming since then.

Anyway, I’ve just realised this post has become very long (sorry)! So congrats and thank you if you have read it this far! 

I’ve been busy!

Sorry for the lack of posts over the last few days folks, I have been a busy little bee!

I went out to stay with my Nana, and didn’t take my laptop. But it was a very calming and nice trip overall. Except the travelling. I fell asleep on the train on the way out there, missing all the beautiful scenery. But hey, I was super tired. Lucky I woke in time for my stop! 

We pottered about, went for some walks, admired the birds, and made yummy food. Nana lives rurally, so it was quiet and low stress. We also had an afternoon nap, which I was eternally grateful for after walking about all morning. I slept from 3 till 5! 

When I got back home, i had to prepare myself for going into town to see my Psychiatrist and new temporary key worker/case manager person. I was really anxious by this stage, and I self harmed in order to zone out enough to go to this appointment without feeling the anxiety.

She asked lots and lots of questions, and I answered them. Same saga. Apparently my GP wrote her an email and said that I had been self harming and “sewing myself up”. She was fairly intrigued by this and asked a few questions along the lines of; “how did you even get hold of sutures??”. But didn’t seem too concerned. She was just like “your GP said to always go to the emergency room”. Me: “yeeeeaah but that’s just stupid”. And from there she just moved on (whew).

I’ve been started on an antidepressant – Sertraline. I have little faith in antidepressants, they have never worked for me in the past. But maybe this one will. I doubt it, but its worth a try.

Ended up catching up with a couple of friends yesterday who I had not seen in nearly a year, so that was nice. It was like we had never been apart. Also, I am super proud of myself for managing that amount of time in town. Even if it was preceded by self harming.

So that’s me. Sorry this was a bit boring, but I am a very boring person really.