I want to do better than this

Yesterday I made a pact with a fellow ana friend, that we would both eat 1600 calories today. Shes just slipped underweight again, and its really sad, because she has been trying to recover. Its not fair how the ED sneaks its way back into our lives!
I cant help being jealous of her weight, but then, i did promise to eat 1600 cal if she would! That seems like such a lot, compared to my 100 calorie limit at the moment. Infact most days, I wont even reach that amount.
I need to start being responsible and practicing for this masterclass in a couple of weeks. So far, I cant even play my piece! I know that food will help. Its so hard though!
This morning i went into the pantry and scanned everything breakfast like for the amount of calories. Everything was way too many. I started hyperventilating and freaking out. I nearly gave up and didnt have anything, it was terrifying. But I decided to pray for the strength to eat just this one meal. It calmed me down and I was able to decide what to have. Honey puffs with light soy milk. All in all it was 288 calories… Heaps!! I carefully measured out the amounts, so that i didnt eat more than the serving size.
Someone help me, how am i going to make 1600????

Calories calories calories

Yesterday I consumed 70 calories, but didn‘t exercise. Today so far I have had 1 – coke zero, and I hope that thats all I have to have. Mums out for the day, and Im going swimming this evening with a friend so I can skip dinner.
I was thinking about getting some diet pills, but im not sure how compatable they are with sertraline or quetiapine. Does anyone know?
Last night i was feeling a bit depressed and had some ptsd triggers. Even watching the bubbles in my coke set me off!! It was the first time in a while that I thought about cutting myself. I imagined that feeling of release, pure, and clean. I wanted it. But i didnt, i stopped myself. Yay? I think thats a good thing.

Im so cold. One of the down sides of not eating. I get cold easily anyway… now im just plain freezing all the time! I should get off my lazy arse and do some exercise to warm me up. Actually, im supposed to be packing. But packing to leave home is such a mission. Calculating calorie defecits and posting on here is so much more interesting!
The other thing is.. I have way too many clothes, and I am not sure how many i will fit in a few months anyway if i continue the way I am. But then, knowing me, i will start eating at some point, or someone will make me, and i will get back to my set point. So what clothes do I pack???? Someone give me advice please! I dont WANT to be fat and ugly ever again, but then… i dont know.

My Bmi is 20 today 🙂 Getting there, step by step. Next goal, 18. Next goal, 16. Apparently about 2 months 15 days if i carry on like i am.

Panic attack

I had a really bad flash back the other night, was triggered in the car. It was awful – and I had a panic attack. Full on shaking, completely not breathing moving to hyperventilating, blacking out, fast heart beat, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. I was uncontrollable. Internally I was screaming, i was quite surprised (and glad) that it wasnt out loud!
At this point, I really really needed to cut myslf. But i couldnt, because of my mum. So I felt like i was dying, going to explode! Lucky i still have an incredibly large and painful bruise on my arm, so I pressed on it hard. Cutting would have been bliss though.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with a panic attack, and/or ptsd episode? I would love to hear your experiences!
Saw M (psychologist) today.. but we didnt really talk about anything particularly, as she thinks it would be pointless to get into anything deep now, as I only have 3 more sessions with her before I move citys.
Ive just figured out that Im going to be completely sick of mental health proffessionals next week – tuesday i have an appt with R (psychiatrist) at the youth service i go to, and on that same afternoon I have to see a psychologist elsewhere for an assessment for ACC. Goodness knows why they cant just get all of my details from the youth service!! And then I see M again on friday. So yeah… I am going to be sick of it. Wish me luck peoples!! 😛

Been trying to break my arm this afternoon. Is that sick or what?!! I am so screwed up that I long for physical pain to feel better.

Eating disorder strikes again!

Crappy weekend.

This SO emphasises how easy it is to slip in your eating disorder due to something seemingly irrelevant – whether that be a bf issue or an argument with your mother in my case. Then top it off with some extra ED stress like a wedding/social gathering with food/seeing your much skinnier friend etc etc and BAM your back into the dungeons of your own mind. Putting fuel on the fire, and letting it burn you.
Ever tried escaping from a dungeon on fire? Not an easy feat!

Happenings, selling stuff and a wooly head!

Im still here (YAY) and not feeling too bad actually 🙂
Got up this morning to have a cup of tea thrust at me.. now im not an avid tea hater, but im definitely not a fan 1st thing in the morning half asleep! Ugh. I am good at pretending though.
Im quite stoked, i finally got around to selling my bike on trademe, not exactly with high hopes. But to my delight, within an hour someone had clicked ‘buynow‘ whoop whoop! One less thing to get rid of before my move.
I get round to 1.30 and think – lunchtime. Not at all hungry, but trying so hard to keep eating anyway. Ive done so well in the last month, not freaking out too much about food. But these last couple of days have been killer, incapacitating anxiety over eating. I guess its a build up of all my emotions and its broken my efforts on the ED. One can only be so strong. Yesterday i found myself on the kitchen floor, hunched over, not able to breathe because i was faced with eating. The pantry is such a daunting place at times! Today however, i plucked up enough strength to eat breakfast (that plus mum blocking the way out of the kitchen) and now, have attempted lunch! Go me! Admittedly I was shaking, intermitantly breathing and didnt quite finish those two pieces of toast with creamed corn, but hey! I gave it my best! Nows the battle to avoid throwing it all up. *Breathe*
Tuesdays looking closer now. I think i can make it. What will i say to M!? Everythings so hard to explain, i get embarrassed and let her just ask me questions.. but then thats not really helpful in this instance, i know i need to go over all this with her, set up some plans of attack, but how on earth am i going to muster up the gumption to tell her exactly. how. it. is.?? She doesnt even know about my plan to move in a couple of weeks! So i have the pleasure of telling her that exciting news that should be making me happy… but then explain that im actually suicidal. Helloo?? Weirdo. I dont want her to think im not capable of leaving home. Thats not true, home is just as bad as anywhere,if not worse. But its going to look like that isnt it? And i know i really ought to be in hospital to protect myself right now. Perfect timing i have right? If i go, then i wouldnt be allowed to leave – mum would deem me ‘too sick‘ and then keep me like a prisoner for who knows how long. So i must keep trucking on. Hoping like heck that life starts to improve. Hoping that my head will sort out its mess. Maybe its just the meds. Maybe this is temporary. Lets hope so.
Did i even take my escilatopram this morning?I have no idea.. my brain is full of bull.