Holiday success, moral responsibilities of MH workers… Interesting

Hey guys! Long time no see!

Im back from my holiday now. It actually went surprisingly well:

  • I didn’t have any fights with my Mum.
  • I didn’t need to go to the hospital for self harming.
  • I got anxious, but managed only light self harm.
  • I survived all the people, and minimised my social interactions as much as possible.
  • I used all of my “healthy techniques” – like strong smells (vix vapo rub!) Tactile squidgey things, headphones, and deep breathing!
  • I survived the plane ride, and even made friends with the lady next to me!
  • I was still happy at the end of the holiday

So anyway, I’ve been in a pretty good headspace since then. I think my combination of meds is finally working a bit. I have even planned out what I want to do next year (part time uni) and have gone to a course advisory session to plan it all out properly. My awesome flatmate came with me to support me, as there is no way I could have managed it on my own.

The only problem with that, was that we ended up walking home, because the bus was taking too long. My POTS had a hissy fit, and then when we walked into a shop, I started having a panic attack as well, and the hyperventilation plus tachycardia made me faint.

Its taken me 3 days so far to recover from the physical exhaustion of it all, and I still don’t think I’m out of the woods just yet. Heart rate and fatigue is off the charts! But I have also noticed that my mental state has not been as good since then either. First, my mood plunged and I was feeling hopeless and empty, and then more pronounced today was gripping/paralysing anxiety – even though I wasn’t doing anything to provoke it, just sitting in my bedroom. Its been quite intense!

I started thinking about self harming to ease the anxiety. I didn’t, but reflected on how weird it is – most people would be encouraged to seek professional help, or ring the crisis line if they were having thoughts of harming themselves to the extent that I do. People that self harm regularly to the extent that I do would usually be hospitalised. But I seem to get away with it. It’s probably because I deal with it myself and am not waving it infront of medical professionals faces all the time by getting them to suture it.

Im not saying that people who do get medical attention for their wounds are attention seeking at all. I more am trying to say that they will end up doing something to prevent it, if they are having to deal with the consequences – and on the other hand (me at the moment) its a bit of “outta sight, outta mind”.

Quite frankly, I am relieved that I am being given some respect and freedom. I absolutely detest having control taken away from me – which happens 100% in hospital! But it is an interesting thought. What happened to duty of care? Are they breaking the “do no harm” by knowingly allowing myself to do severe harm on a regular basis?

Dont get me wrong, my team is amazing, I love the way they are treating me and giving me actually useful and practical suggestions to deal with life. They have hope in me, and regularly praise me for the good things i have accomplished, and even tease me etc – Which I find very relaxing in a weird way. They are brilliant. I have never been treated like such a real person in the Mental Health system before!

Im sorry this post has not really followed much structure at all, Im quite tired and rambling a lot! I hope it was thought provoking though 🙂

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Holiday

So I’m on holiday at the moment. So far I have survived the flight, and managed the supermarket with mum and Tayla. I even went to get a haircut with mums hairdresser at her house,  which was actually really good, because she didn’t have a mirror sitting in front of me, and mum did all the talking so I didnt have to! Plus she did a good job! She works for a fancy salon but also does some on the side at home. Its so much cheaper here than in Melbourne! 

I also went shopping with mum for a pill box – we ended up getting one that fits all my medication boxes etc. The other is an organiser, so I can remember whether I have taken my meds or not. Its proving very handy, but I feel like such an old lady. Damn dysautonomia problems!

Today I chilled at mums house,  and some good friends came to visit. So I didnt have to leave the house which was nice and relaxing. It was nice to see some old friends.

Anyway thats about all thats interesting about me at the moment. Hope you are all well xx

Urgent Doctors. Silly doctors.

So annoying! I self harmed this morning, because I needed to go out to appointments and such, by myself. But I didn’t realise I had run out of suture material! So I had to ring up my doctors office and see if I could get an appointment. They had no doctors in, so they sent me to the urgent doctors instead.

I hate going anywhere to get stitched up, especially places like the urgent doctors or emergency department, because they don’t know me and immediately freak out about my mental state. The doctor tried to ask me a hundred questions about why I self harmed, whats been going on lately for me, am I feeling suicidal, was this cut a suicide attempt blah blah blah. All the while, I am trying to convince her that its all normal for me, the only reason I am here is that I ran out of sutures, that I saw my team today, and they know about my self harming etc etc. But she was still all panicky.

They rung the crisis team, but thankfully I didn’t have to see them or anything. Because that would have meant waiting for ages and ages all for a very pointless few words with them. I got let home as long as I put the crisis number in my phone in front of her. Whew.

It was relatively amusing after the doctor had finished suturing, and left the nurse to dress it. The nurse was amazed that all the other sutures in my legs had been done by me. She said “how did you learn how to suture so beautifully??!”, and after putting some steri strips on parts of the wound that were not completely held together by the sutures, she whispered – “I think you are way better at suturing than the doctor!”. I’m not gonna lie, it felt pretty good 😛

So anyway, after a very long and tiring, and to be honest quite stressful day – I am finally home. Completely had it, and ready to blob and watch The Big Bang Theory.

Stress/Trigger Overload

Today there has just been too many triggering and stressful things for my mind to deal with. First off, I had to walk down the road to meet the person who was picking me up for church, all by myself, because they were running late. That was scary as heck. Then later someone started talking in depth about a specific trigger for my ptsd, as an illustration, and that got me all panicky and yuk.

Then, unexpectedly, I got invited to go out for lunch and look at this quilting exhibition (don’t get me wrong, it was nice that she invited me etc) but that was a lot of crowded areas, and scary stuff for me, and I had to try and concentrate on what she was saying the whole time and not dissociate to deal with it.

And now I’m home and feeling really strung out, and I really want to self harm, but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t know what to do with myself.

One of my closest friends is going through a crisis at the moment as well and I am really scared for her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. But I am so glad that she can rely on and talk to me about it, as no one else would understand. If I lose her, Im highly likely to throw in the towel myself. It’s a scary thought.

Tomorrow I have to go to this group therapy thing but i wussed out last time, so i haven’t met anyone and I don’t know what to expect, and its all very very intimidating. I want to pike again, but I will get in so much trouble with my psychiatrist, and it’s always wise to stay on their good side!

How am I going to manage all this??!

Also, I have started freaking out about going home to mums for a holiday (nearly 2 weeks) because she gives me pretty much no privacy, and I will NOT be able to get away with self harming, or suturing myself or anything. Even the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock, and I think I might even be sharing a room with her, and she will expect me to change in front of her. If I get defensive of my privacy she gets suspicious and annoyed with me. Trust me, I know from experience.

What happens if I lose the plot (highly likely, as there are a lot of triggers) and self harm anyway? I would have to tell mum, she would have to take me to the emergency department, she would be incredibly angry with me, and because the people there don’t know me, and have pretty much no access to my usual mental health team, they might take a cautious approach and stick me in hospital. And then I could potentially get stuck there! Eek.

So It would seem best to try not to self harm while I am down there, but then, I don’t know how I am going to deal with all of the extra stresses without that coping mechanism!

Someone please give me some ideas!!

Guilt and Self punishment

Ive been feeling guilty about not self harming.. how messed up is that?? I haven’t self harmed in about 2 weeks – which is good right? So why do I feel so guilty about it? Almost like i have to self harm or else something bad might happen. Or I should be punishing myself for being a bad person. But I just have not felt like self harming.

The weird thing is though, mentally, I haven’t really been doing much better. In fact, I have had a few suicidal thoughts, and have been really low. I have also managed to muck up my sleep routine, going to sleep really late and waking up really late. Aka sleeping through most of the day.

Its quite weird, since taking doxepin for sleep, I have noticed that it takes a lot longer to fall asleep, and at no point do I actually feel sedated. I think that’s a good thing though, it feels like a more natural sleep. However, every morning, I wake up really early, briefly, depending on when I took the meds, but around 6 am. But I do not want to be awake at 6 am because, well… I would have to be “alive” for much much longer! So I go back to sleep, and end up waking up at 3 pm ish, Give or take 3 hours.

I feel quite lazy, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. Anxiety also kicks in if I try and do anything. I have not been out of the house by myself at all for the last 2 weeks. I have skipped all of my appointments because I chickened out/ slept through.

However, I have been out, if I get picked up and taken somewhere by a close friend. So in the last 2 weeks I have been to church, out to coffee, the supermarket, walked the dog, and out to a concert – all with friends. I think that’s enough bravery for me.

Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been self harming, because I was needing to severely self harm in order to go out by myself. And since I haven’t been out by myself, I haven’t self harmed!

On another note, my bedroom has become so messy that it is too overwhelming to tidy now. I don’t know what I am going to do. It makes me feel really stressed looking at it, but then it makes me feel even more stressed when I think about tidying it. I need it to miraculously clean and tidy itself 😛 hehehe.

Oh so miserable

I wish this misery would depart. It’s like a sinking ship in my stomach, dragging me to a point where I no longer have the will to live.

I really want to cut my radial artery and bleed until I feel dizzy. I want to see blood and life pump out of me. I don’t deserve to have it in me. Let the blood carry away the pain and hurt, the hopelessness and eventually, my soul.

I am not mad, or angry. Not scared or excited. I almost feel nothing at all. Like a huge emptiness, I can’t seem to find the energy to want to live, or the energy to really want to die. I just want to slip away into oblivion. No thoughts.

Feeling frustrated with my own failure

So the other day I got some needles and syringes. I took 10 mls from my vein in my arm – the one they usually use for taking blood. It felt great, I got a kind of high from it. But since then I have been trying to repeat it, but with no success… I just cannot seem to hit the veins! I’m not sure why this is happening, whether I collapsed the veins by repeatedly trying and failing to draw blood from them.. or whether I just suck, and am missing them.

Anyway, now I don’t feel like I can try anymore, because If I have to go to the doctor, or anyone medical, they will be able to see the multiple punctures on all the major veins in my arms.. and wonder whats up. Which would be really hard to explain, and embarrassing. Or they might think that I have been taking recreational drugs (even worse). 

Today I even tried to draw blood from my radial arteries. Its much harder than it looks to actually hit the artery! I kept failing, and a feeling of frustration and hopelessness started to wash over me. Finally I got it, but I could only draw another 10 cc which is a tiny amount, and I didn’t really feel all that satisfied.

Why is it that I managed to draw blood successfully the very first time I try.. but not after that??!! Whats wrong with me??!

It makes me feel the need to self harm badly several times to feel a release of all my negative emotions. But it annoys me, because I was hoping this would be a less destructive way to feel that release – but i keep failing at it, so its not working.

I am such a loser. I hate myself so much, I really wish I didn’t have to be alive, it would be so much easier. For everybody.

Efficient day!

I have been so efficient today. I scrubbed and cleaned the entire bathroom for several hours – my hands now feel funny and stink of chemicals. And, I made a chocolate cake, and ganashe, even though that meant going out of the house to the dairy to get eggs and chocolate! I even finally got around to putting a load of washing on… which I have been meaning to do for days and days. I ran out of clean underwear so I kinda had to get around to it today anyway.

I was supposed to go out to an appointment with a mental health nurse, but I really really didnt feel like it, and this morning, was busy hoping/wishing that she would ring and cancel. Then half an hour later – ta da! I get a call from an unknown number, and its her, ringing to cancel because she was going home sick. So that worked out perfectly.

Well… not quite perfectly, I needed to pick up a repeat prescription today of my sleeping pills, but i was too anxious to go out…. So i haven’t gone, and I have no sleeping pills for tonight. I will try going again tomorrow.

Im quite shaky and tired now, but I need to keep going, I have to have a shower and find some clean clothes to wear to my friends tonight. They are picking me up, so at least that will save me some stress.

Hope you guys are all doing well 🙂 xx

The world is a scary place!

I am a tad hesitant to blog about this… but it’s all caught up in my head, so I need to get it down.

I never usually keep up with world news, because I don’t watch TV, but lately I have come to hear about all this business with ISIS… With the recent scare here in Australia, where they found plans to capture random members of the public and behead them on camera in Sydney and Brisbane. Luckily, I’m in Melbourne, but still! Its scary what the world is coming to!

Are governments going to turn on all religion soon? We really need a better, world government. But humans can’t provide that in reality. This world is turning to shambles.

Last night I was having nightmares about this, and dreamt that a family I knew who had relocated to the middle east, were victims in this ethnic cleansing regime.

Anyway, I need to distract myself from this now, so I will tell you about my success yesterday! I managed to leave the house, by myself without self harming! Whoop whoop! I took the dog for a walk, up around the bush areas near my house. I discovered how unfit I am! But I am very proud of myself for managing it 🙂

Dear Headache. Please leave.

I’ve had a terrible headache starting yesterday afternoon, and it wouldn’t go away with ipbrofen and paracetemol. It lasted all night and consequently I had a pretty crappy sleep. But I still have it! And its really starting to get on my nerves, because I cant figure out why I have it – I haven’t fainted and hit my head recently, I have already withdrawn from coffee, and it wont go away with regular painkillers!

So I’m feeling pretty lousy today, I need a shower, but I can’t be bothered, don’t feel like eating, feeling nauseated because of this headache, and the back of my eyes hurt. Rarrr. Plus, I have a sore jaw on one side, which feels like it might dislocate itself if I am not careful.

Oh and my new sleeping pill to replace the other ones that have stopped working? Even worse. Didn’t feel sedated at all and had a really bad sleep.

I’m going out with a friend soon, and I am feeling a tad nervous about it, because… ya know, general anxiety about going out into the real world. But shes a very close friend so hopefully it will be ok. We are apparently going with her little boy to see a robot dinosaur.. whatever that is. Sounds like a laugh anyway.

I’m sorry to all my readers who have left comments that I haven’t got around to reading yet – Its feeling a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I will read and reply when I am in a better state of mind. I promise 🙂

Better go get myself ready. Love ya and leave you all 🙂

Welcome to the craziness of my mind…