Hey guys! Long time no see!
Im back from my holiday now. It actually went surprisingly well:
- I didn’t have any fights with my Mum.
- I didn’t need to go to the hospital for self harming.
- I got anxious, but managed only light self harm.
- I survived all the people, and minimised my social interactions as much as possible.
- I used all of my “healthy techniques” – like strong smells (vix vapo rub!) Tactile squidgey things, headphones, and deep breathing!
- I survived the plane ride, and even made friends with the lady next to me!
- I was still happy at the end of the holiday
So anyway, I’ve been in a pretty good headspace since then. I think my combination of meds is finally working a bit. I have even planned out what I want to do next year (part time uni) and have gone to a course advisory session to plan it all out properly. My awesome flatmate came with me to support me, as there is no way I could have managed it on my own.
The only problem with that, was that we ended up walking home, because the bus was taking too long. My POTS had a hissy fit, and then when we walked into a shop, I started having a panic attack as well, and the hyperventilation plus tachycardia made me faint.
Its taken me 3 days so far to recover from the physical exhaustion of it all, and I still don’t think I’m out of the woods just yet. Heart rate and fatigue is off the charts! But I have also noticed that my mental state has not been as good since then either. First, my mood plunged and I was feeling hopeless and empty, and then more pronounced today was gripping/paralysing anxiety – even though I wasn’t doing anything to provoke it, just sitting in my bedroom. Its been quite intense!
I started thinking about self harming to ease the anxiety. I didn’t, but reflected on how weird it is – most people would be encouraged to seek professional help, or ring the crisis line if they were having thoughts of harming themselves to the extent that I do. People that self harm regularly to the extent that I do would usually be hospitalised. But I seem to get away with it. It’s probably because I deal with it myself and am not waving it infront of medical professionals faces all the time by getting them to suture it.
Im not saying that people who do get medical attention for their wounds are attention seeking at all. I more am trying to say that they will end up doing something to prevent it, if they are having to deal with the consequences – and on the other hand (me at the moment) its a bit of “outta sight, outta mind”.
Quite frankly, I am relieved that I am being given some respect and freedom. I absolutely detest having control taken away from me – which happens 100% in hospital! But it is an interesting thought. What happened to duty of care? Are they breaking the “do no harm” by knowingly allowing myself to do severe harm on a regular basis?
Dont get me wrong, my team is amazing, I love the way they are treating me and giving me actually useful and practical suggestions to deal with life. They have hope in me, and regularly praise me for the good things i have accomplished, and even tease me etc – Which I find very relaxing in a weird way. They are brilliant. I have never been treated like such a real person in the Mental Health system before!
Im sorry this post has not really followed much structure at all, Im quite tired and rambling a lot! I hope it was thought provoking though 🙂